Ezra Kendall's SPOTS OF WIT AND HUMOR (1899)
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Fri Sep 28 23:12:11 UTC 2001
SPOTS OF WIT AND HUMOR
AS TOLD BY EZRA KENDALL
Helman Taylor Co.
This book sold over 250,000 copies. Ezra Kendall's next book, GOOD GRAVY, sold over 300,000 copies.
Have you ever been down to Coney Island? (...)
Did you try any of th' games down there--th' one where you throw th' base balls at th' babies--and every time you hit a baby on th' head you get a good cigar? I couldn't hit one.
("Close, but no cigar"--ed.)
If I'd stayed there I'd been broke myself.
She says, "If you want change try the baker next door, he always has th' dough."
I says, "Your money or your wife."
"Why, go ahead and take her," he says, "and save me alimony."
I says, "Hold on, I'm a little rattled. It's your money or your life."
(Jack Benny is thinking about it--ed.)
(The following "Fruit and Vegetable Handicap" is useful perhaps for "Big Apple" in horseracing. This routine was probably a horseracing cliche in the early 1900s--ed.)
The next race was a sort of (Pg. 67--ed.) Fruit and Vegetable Handicap.
In th' paddock, before th' race, I heard one of th' trainers say to a jockey, "Water Melon, and warm up Potatoes."
"I'd like to win a stake with Mushrooms, but," he says, "If that California pair gets ahead of Lettuce you'll see Sugar beat."
"Of all th' string, Beans is th' best;
Asparagrass tips are no good."
When th' race was being run I was in th' pool room, listening to th' telegraph operator.
He says, "They're off--Grape's in th' bunch." Th' man next to me must have had Grapes, for th' minute he heard "Grapes" he had gripes. And Grapes in th' bunch (Pg. 68--ed.) was enough to give a man gripes in th' bunch.
Then th' operator went on, "Onions coming strong; Skin on th' outside; Raddish wins--pulled up."
And th' judges scolded th' jockey for pulling up th' horse--Raddish.
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