James A. Landau
JJJRLandau at AOL.COM
Tue Jan 6 17:21:37 UTC 2004
New Jewish Words:
1. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from
the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
2. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they
celebrate Hanukah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter
4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never
gave to her own children.
5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change
the baby's diaper.
6. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on
your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
7. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and
strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
8. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after
one's Bar Mitzvah.
9. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out
of a tight spot.
10. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
11. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's
face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
12. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old
neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
13. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
14. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
15. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as
seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme
cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring
in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
16. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of
17. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
18. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is
finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
- source unknown
> "The Perfect Rabbi"
> The results of a computerized survey indicate the
> "perfect" Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes.
> He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He
> works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a
> janitor. He makes $150 a week, wears good clothes,
> buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about
> $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has
> preached for 32 years. He has a burning desire to
> work with teenagers and spends all of his time with
> senior citizens.
> The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight
> face because he has a sense of humor that keeps
> him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15
> calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and
> the hospitalized, and is always in his office when
> If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this
> letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their
> Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send
> him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one
> week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of
> them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
> One congregation broke the chain and got its old
> Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
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