UBC graffiti (1969)

Jonathan Lighter wuxxmupp2000 at YAHOO.COM
Fri Oct 14 16:40:35 UTC 2005

Pseudo-Confucius sayings were popular in the late 1950s in NYC. I suspect they originally parodied the pithy sayings attributed to detective Charlie Chan in old movies.

I recognize the following, though I can't always say just when I heard or saw them.

"Kotex not best thing..."
"He who cooks carrots..."
"Man with athletic fingers..."
"Blond girl..."
[Not this one, but pun on "crack salesman" as "pimp."]
["I  Whipped My Weight in Wildcats," by Claude Balls]
"Richard Nixon is Rosemary's Baby"
"...they just lose their faculties."
"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
"Ice cream has no bones." [I think was a charades challenge in an "I Love Lucy" episode.]
"This wigwam..."

As for book titles, these others come to mind:

"The Yellow Sea," by I. P. Daley
"Life of a Congo Princess," by Erasmus B. Black
"The Secret of a Happy Marriage," by Maude Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzmaude
"Homosexuality," by Ben Dover and Phil MacCavity


Benjamin Zimmer <bgzimmer at RCI.RUTGERS.EDU> wrote:
---------------------- Information from the mail header -----------------------
Sender: American Dialect Society
Poster: Benjamin Zimmer
Subject: UBC graffiti (1969)

The Ubyssey, Nov. 14, 1969, p. 7

Graffiti freaks make impression on campus
The examples of verbal diarrhoea found in the library (both main and
Sedgewick) are among the best on campus.
Confucius' sayings are especially big:
"Kotex not best thing in the world, but next to it."
"Man who screws exhaust pipe have hot rod."
"He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary."
"Man with athletic fingers make broad jump."
"Girl should not marry basketball player, he dribbles befores he shoots."
"Blond girl has black hair, by cracky."
"Man who sells Kotex is crack salesman."
"Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to
be shiftless bastard."
"Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag."
"Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."
"He who plays with self, pulls boner."
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, lead to undoing of fly."
"Man and woman who screw in cemetery, near dead."
"Man who kisses girl's behind gets crack in face."
Book titles are also very big among the john set.
Revenge of the Lion by Claude Balls.
Treasure in the Toilet by I. P. Nicols.
Disaster at the Cliff by Eileen Dover.
Crabs, You Say by Ivan Offelitch.
Russian Revolution by Ubin Jakinoff.
Moscow to Leningrad in Three Minutes by U. Bitchur Kokoff.
Typical of the graffiti to be found in the libraries and in Buchanan
crappers are these little samples:
"—Do you like sex? Do you like travel? Well, fuck off!"
"—Richard Nixon is Rosemary's Baby."
"—Please do not wipe your ass on the door handle."
"—Old deans don't die, they just lose their faculties."
"—You reap as you sow, and by your fruits will ye be known, so let 'er rip."
"—Sex—the only fun you can have without laughing."
"—Sex is the opiate of the people."
"—Ice cream has no bones."
"—Then there was the joke about the horny rabbit that jacked off across
the field."
"—And the good lord said to the shepherd, "Fuck off, this is cattle country."
"—God is dead, Christ has cancer, but don't worry, Mary is pregnant again."
"—Songs for Hemeroid sufferers—Ring of Fire, The old Pile Driver."
"—Ban the bra — a supporter of the unsupported."
"—This wigwam ain't for beating your tomtom, this teepee is for taking
your peepee."
The examples of graffiti in the Engineering building and in the science
buildings added up to a large collection of all-time weakies.
I must have run into approximately five hundred scrawls of "gears eat
shit", science eats shit" or "arts eats shit" in my journeys through the
excretion establishments in these buildings.
Most graffiti experts, or "crapper connoiseurs" as we in the field refer
to ourselves, are in accord that the piece-de-resistance of all bathroom
literature are the ones which more than one writer engages in. The
following are examples of this expertise:
a) "I got the whole world in my hands."
b) "Small world, isn't it."
a) "End administrative bourgeois bureaucracy."
b) "End student radical irrational protesting."
c) "End this pimping sloganism!"
a) "Hippies squat to piss."
b) "Greasers stand to shit."
a) "A certain chick in Tsawwassen has the clap."
b) "I have not!"
a) "Drugs are for perverts and teeny boppers."
b) "Another beer freak has spoken."
a) "I love tits! "
b) "Maybe you should take checkers on plastic surgery."
a) "Is Paul McCartney dead?"
b) "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!"
These are but some of the long list of verbal diarrhoea that can be found
on campus. This year, the library is the recipient of the Sterling Silver
Shithouse in recognition of its superlative standards in stinkie swifties.
The fine art will continue to flourish and provide endless hours of
enjoyment despite critics such as the one who wrote:
"those who write on shithouse walls
should roll their shit in little balls,
and those that read these gems of wit
should eat those little balls of shit."
Remember, UBC's biffies are not necessarily "full of shit."

--Ben Zimmer

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