UBC graffiti (1969)

Wilson Gray hwgray at GMAIL.COM
Fri Oct 14 22:20:49 UTC 2005

On 10/14/05, Benjamin Zimmer <bgzimmer at rci.rutgers.edu> wrote:
> ---------------------- Information from the mail header -----------------------
> Sender:       American Dialect Society <ADS-L at LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
> Poster:       Benjamin Zimmer <bgzimmer at RCI.RUTGERS.EDU>
> Subject:      UBC graffiti (1969)
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> http://www.library.ubc.ca/archives/pdfs/ubyssey/UBYSSEY_1969_11_14.pdf
> The Ubyssey, Nov. 14, 1969, p. 7
> Graffiti freaks make impression on campus
> [...]
> The examples of verbal diarrhoea found in the library (both main and
> Sedgewick) are among the best on campus.
> Confucius' sayings are especially big:
> "Kotex not best thing in the world, but next to it."
> "Man who screws exhaust pipe have hot rod."
> "He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary."
> "Man with athletic fingers make broad jump."
> "Girl should not marry basketball player, he dribbles befores he shoots."
> "Blond girl has black hair, by cracky."
> "Man who sells Kotex is crack salesman."
> "Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to
> be shiftless bastard."
> "Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag."
> "Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."
> "He who plays with self, pulls boner."
> "Passionate kiss like spider's web, lead to undoing of fly."
> "Man and woman who screw in cemetery, near dead."
> "Man who kisses girl's behind gets crack in face."
> Book titles are also very big among the john set.
> Revenge of the Lion by Claude Balls.
> Treasure in the Toilet by I. P. Nicols.
> Disaster at the Cliff by Eileen Dover.
> Crabs, You Say by Ivan Offelitch.
> Russian Revolution by Ubin Jakinoff.
> Moscow to Leningrad in Three Minutes by U. Bitchur Kokoff.
> Typical of the graffiti to be found in the libraries and in Buchanan
> crappers are these little samples:
> "—Do you like sex? Do you like travel? Well, fuck off!"
> "—Richard Nixon is Rosemary's Baby."
> "—Please do not wipe your ass on the door handle."
> "—Old deans don't die, they just lose their faculties."
> "—You reap as you sow, and by your fruits will ye be known, so let 'er rip."
> "—Sex—the only fun you can have without laughing."
> "—Sex is the opiate of the people."
> "—Ice cream has no bones."
> "—Then there was the joke about the horny rabbit that jacked off across
> the field."
> "—And the good lord said to the shepherd, "Fuck off, this is cattle country."
> "—God is dead, Christ has cancer, but don't worry, Mary is pregnant again."
> "—Songs for Hemeroid sufferers—Ring of Fire, The old Pile Driver."
> "—Ban the bra — a supporter of the unsupported."
> "—This wigwam ain't for beating your tomtom, this teepee is for taking
> your peepee."
> The examples of graffiti in the Engineering building and in the science
> buildings added up to a large collection of all-time weakies.
> I must have run into approximately five hundred scrawls of "gears eat
> shit", science eats shit" or "arts eats shit" in my journeys through the
> excretion establishments in these buildings.
> [...]
> Most graffiti experts, or "crapper connoiseurs" as we in the field refer
> to ourselves, are in accord that the piece-de-resistance of all bathroom
> literature are the ones which more than one writer engages in. The
> following are examples of this expertise:
> a) "I got the whole world in my hands."
> b) "Small world, isn't it."
> a) "End administrative bourgeois bureaucracy."
> b) "End student radical irrational protesting."
> c) "End this pimping sloganism!"
> a) "Hippies squat to piss."
> b) "Greasers stand to shit."
> a) "A certain chick in Tsawwassen has the clap."
> b) "I have not!"
> a) "Drugs are for perverts and teeny boppers."
> b) "Another beer freak has spoken."
> a) "I love tits! "
> b) "Maybe you should take checkers on plastic surgery."
> a) "Is Paul McCartney dead?"
> b) "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!"
> These are but some of the long list of verbal diarrhoea that can be found
> on campus. This year, the library is the recipient of the Sterling Silver
> Shithouse in recognition of its superlative standards in stinkie swifties.
> The fine art will continue to flourish and provide endless hours of
> enjoyment despite critics such as the one who wrote:
> "those who write on shithouse walls
> should roll their shit in little balls,
> and those that read these gems of wit
> should eat those little balls of shit."
> Remember, UBC's biffies are not necessarily "full of shit."
> --Ben Zimmer

FWIW, the version of "Those who write..." that I know from about sixty
years ago is as you give it, except that it doesn't contain "should."

"From Under The Stands," by Seymour Harriass.
"Line in The Sand," by Won Hung Lo.
"Yellow River," by I. P. Dailey

Hm. These somehow don't seem as side-splittingly funny as they did
when I first heard them in elementary school.

-Wilson Gray

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