[EDLING:1640] Our English-only policy, as time goes by
Francis M Hult
fmhult at DOLPHIN.UPENN.EDU
Fri Jun 2 15:07:31 UTC 2006
>the Whidbey News-Times
> Our English-only policy, as time goes by
> By Jim Larsen May 31 2006
> Congress today passed a bill making English the official language, and
> requiring all U.S. citizens to speak English. After an outcry, Congress
> passed a bill today giving legal and illegal residents 20 years to learn
> English and gain citizenship. After another outcry, Congress passed a bill
> today saying the government would help aspiring citizens learn English,
> rather than just kick non-English speakers out of the country. Congress
> today passed a bill requiring all school districts to offer free English
> lessons to anyone, or lose federal funding. It included no funding for
> more English teachers in the bill.
> Congress today, acting on the lack of people taking advantage of free
> English classes, required all non-English people to attend the classes.
> After an outcry from overworked police, Congress today announced it will
> hire 100,000 language police to test suspected non-English speakers and
> escort the guilty to the free English classes. Bowing to pressure,
> Congress today said it would hire 100,000 people to teach English to
> aspiring citizens. Both the language police and the new teachers would be
> paid for by increasing the national debt. Reacting to widespread fraud,
> Congress today made it a felony to certify that someone can speak English
> when they actually can not.
> Reacting to confusion as to what constitutes adequate English, Congress
> today established a committee to produce guidelines for proper English,
> and to see that those standards are enforced nationwide. Reacting to an
> outcry that the new language standards revealed that the vast majority of
> Americans do not speak proper English, Congress today required remedial
> English classes for all Americans. With confusion growing over the English
> language requirement, Congress today created a new cabinet level post,
> Secretary of English, to oversee the new Federal Department of English
> Instruction. With all English programs under one umbrella, the process of
> teaching English should be more efficient.
> Reacting to a band of terrorists with strong southern accents who blew up
> a warehouse full of English textbooks, Congress today incorporated the
> Department of English Instruction into the Department of Homeland
> Security. National polls released today show that after years of trying,
> the number of non-English speaking people living in America has quadrupled
> since English was required by Congress. The New York Times reported today
> the Pentagon has been tapping into Americans phone calls, recording who is
> speaking Spanish, [S]Wahili, Lithuanian and other foreign languages.
> Congress today authorized the spending of one hundred billion dollars to
> build language prisons for people who refuse to learn English. Reacting to
> criticism that it could never force English on everyone in America,
> Congress today adopted a resolution stating, Si, se puede!
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