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<blockquote type="cite"><font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS"><u>Here
are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:</u></font><font
color="#000080" face="Bookman Old Style, Bookman"> </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Bookman Old Style, Bookman"> </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">1. A vulture boards
an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">stewardess looks at him
and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">allowed per passenger."</font>
<br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">2. Two fish swim into
a concrete wall. The one turns to the other</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">and says, "Dam!"</font> <br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">3. Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">the craft. Unsurprisingly
it sank, proving once again that you can't have</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">your kayak and heat it too.</font>
<br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">4. Two hydrogen atoms
meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."</font> <br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">5. Did you hear about
the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">root canal? His goal:
transcend dental medication.</font> <br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">6. A group of chess
enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories.</font> <br>
<font color="#000099">After about an hour, the manager came out of
the office and asked them </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">"I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."</font> <br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">7. A woman has twins
and gives them up for adoption. One of them</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">goes to a family in Egypt
and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">in Spain; they name him
"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds "They're </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal."</font> <br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">8. These friars were
behind on their belfry payments, so they opened</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">up a small florist shop to
raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy</font> <font color="#000080"
face="Comic Sans MS">flowers </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">from the men of God, a
rival florist across town thought the</font> <font color="#000080"
face="Comic Sans MS">competition </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">was unfair. He asked the
good fathers to close down, but they would not. </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">He went back and begged
the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">in town to "persuade" them
to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">they did so, thereby
proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.</font> <br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">9. Mahatma Gandhi, as
you know, walked barefoot most of the time,</font> <br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate</font> <font
color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">very </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">little, which made him
rather frail and with his odd diet, he</font> <font color="#000080"
face="Comic Sans MS">suffered from </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">bad breath. This made him
. . .</font><font color="#000080" face="Bookman Old Style, Bookman"> </font><font
color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">. .</font> <font color="#000080"
face="Comic Sans MS">a super calloused fragile mystic hexed </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">by halitosis.</font> <br>
<br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">10. And finally, there
was the person who sent ten different puns to</font> <font
color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">his </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them</font> <font
color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">laugh. </font><br>
<font color="#000080" face="Comic Sans MS">No pun in ten did.</font></blockquote>
<br>
<br>
Fritz Goerling wrote:<br>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="midNHBBIIDNEODNBGGMJEOFCEMPFCAA.fritz_goerling@sil.org">
<pre wrap="">For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of words)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism,
it's your count that votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll
show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she
thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony
of defeat.
OK, t'is kinda pun-ny! ;-)
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</pre>
</blockquote>
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