[Linganth] Fw: Advanced Symptoms of Advanced Degrees

Thu Mar 3 01:16:51 UTC 2005

This has nothing to do with the topics discussed on this list, but it was
too funny not to pass on...

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Kenneth N. Ehrensal
Associate Professor
Management Department
Kutztown University of Pennsylvania
ehrensal at kutztown.edu
http://faculty.kutztown.edu/ehrensal

> >
> > From the Chronical of Higher Education issue dated March 4,
> > 2005
> >
> > Advanced Symptoms of Advanced Degrees
> >
> >
> > By LAWRENCE DOUGLAS and ALEXANDER GEORGE
> >
> > It is hardly news that graduate students are often not the
> > happiest of campers. Only recently, however, have
> > scientists, psychologists, and discourse pathologists come
> > to appreciate and diagnose the full range of maladies
> > afflicting the graduate-student population. Now the
> > publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for
> > Graduate Students (DSMGS-1), the first book ever dedicated
> > specifically to disorders of those pursuing advanced
> > degrees, promises relief to this long-suffering population.
> > An excerpt follows:
> >
> > Global Irony Syndrome (GIS)
> > Indications: GIS is an affective disorder most commonly
> > characterized by the following symptoms: an erosion of
> > belief in Enlightenment values; snideness toward the
> > concepts of truth, objectivity, and universal ethical codes;
> > cynicism about the two-party system and the wealth-leveling
> > effects of global capitalism; an ironic stance toward all
> > physical laws and reality itself. The onset of GIS is often
> > signaled in the sufferer by the replacement of easygoing
> > laughter with sarcastic smirks, and by the refusal to debate
> > any issue except through indirection, punning, and sneering
> > banter.
> >
> > Prevalence: GIS has been largely concentrated in humanities
> > departments, with occasional outbreaks in the "softer"
> > social sciences, such as sociology, anthropology,
> > government, and politics.
> >
> > Treatment: Intensive viewing of It's a Wonderful Life has
> > proved salutary. Failing that, a semester's leave spent in a
> > hard-labor camp of a despotic regime is effective in more
> > than 75 percent of reported cases.
> >
> > Hyper-Theory Disorder (HTD)
> > Indications: HTD is a cognitive disorder distinguished by an
> > increasingly abstract frame of mind. Sufferers gradually
> > lose the ability to speak in a manner unmediated by
> > poststructuralist theory. In extreme cases, sufferers come
> > to view all aspects of popular culture (e.g., SpongeBob
> > reruns, Oprah, the National Football League) through the
> > filter of Heideggerian metaphysics or Lacanian
> > psychoanalysis. HTD is often misdiagnosed as Tunnel
> > Visionitis (TV), a similar, though etiologically distinct,
> > malady marked by a gradually escalating inability to
> > communicate with anyone -- including friends, family,
> > spouses, and domestic pets -- who does not share all of
> > one's theoretical presuppositions.
> >
> > Prevalence: HTD is endemic to literature departments. TV, by
> > contrast, is rampant throughout all disciplines, often
> > hitting the natural sciences hardest.
> >
> > Treatment: Complete abstinence from all French and German
> > texts remains a controversial treatment for HTD. Until
> > further therapeutic remedies have been discovered, a travel
> > advisory for Continental Europe has been issued to all
> > humanities students.
> >
> > Sycophancy-Authority Malady (SAM)
> > Indications: SAM is considered a speech pathology
> > increasingly common among advanced graduate students. It is
> > marked by a tendency to speak in flattering, fawning,
> > ingratiating, and even idolatrous terms to persons in
> > positions of authority such as full professors, conference
> > organizers, and powerful department secretaries. Oddly,
> > sufferers of SAM, when conversing privately, tend to speak
> > of these authorities in only the most derisive, disdainful,
> > and even violent terms. (This syndrome is not to be confused
> > with Manic Mentor Mimesis; see below.)
> >
> > Prevalence: Cases of SAM have been reported in most graduate
> > centers, though serious outbreaks tend to be concentrated in
> > the lobbies, conference rooms, and bars of hotels hosting
> > annual meetings of professional associations at which job
> > interviewing is taking place.
> >
> > Treatment: Tenure-track appointments were once considered
> > effective in curing SAM, but recent studies challenge that
> > conclusion. Those studies also suggest that tenure itself
> > provides less relief than previously assumed. Researchers
> > now believe that retirement constitutes the only fully
> > effective treatment for this complex and poorly understood
> > malady.
> >
> > Manic Mentor Mimesis (MMM)
> > Indications: The disease, difficult to diagnose in its
> > earliest stages, first manifests itself in the sufferer's
> > subtle mimicry of an adviser's hand gestures. Gradually, the
> > mimetic tendencies deepen and spread to include head
> > movements and distinctive eye rolls of the adviser, as well
> > as slouches, gaits, and even, if opportunity presents
> > itself, dancing styles. As MMM becomes more systemic, tones
> > of voice, sighs, vocal tics, and even idiosyncratic
> > expectorations come to be included within the ambit of
> > imitation. In its final and most humiliating stages,
> > sufferers find themselves mimicking the dress of their
> > advisers and adopting their hair styles. Typically, Acute
> > Adornment Ataxia then sets in as the sufferer finds movement
> > restricted by all the laser pens, cellphones, soda cans,
> > backpacks, and assorted pedagogical props used by the
> > adviser.
> >
> > Prevalence: MMM is especially prevalent in departments, such
> > as philosophy and mathematics, with high concentrations of
> > eccentric faculty members.
> >
> > Treatment: Extreme ridicule from peers outside academe, such
> > as siblings and attractive baristas, has been known to abate
> > the condition.
> >
> > Terminal Graduate Paralysis (TGP)
> > Indications: This chronic, debilitating, and sometimes fatal
> > condition represents the most serious and widespread of the
> > many behavioral disorders facing the graduate-student
> > population. Symptoms often appear in the fourth year of
> > graduate study, though this can vary from discipline to
> > discipline.
> >
> > Early signs are typically mild and therefore easily
> > overlooked or ignored. These often include a subtle shift in
> > media-consumption habits, from National Public Radio to
> > South Park, and from professional journals to extreme-
> > makeover television. More serious symptoms include
> > compulsive retitling of the dissertation; a pathological
> > overinvestment of time in TA-ing; a tendency to misplace
> > routinely or otherwise lose or obliterate thousands of hours
> > of work as a result of alleged computer failures (clinicians
> > investigating these mishaps frequently find suspiciously
> > mutilated hard drives). Advanced symptoms include
> > substantially impaired performance on all cognitive tasks;
> > hyperanxiety and night sweats; bibliophobia; comma-shifting
> > mania; and a marked adviser-avoidance response. At its most
> > extreme, sufferers display a deer-in-the-headlights
> > appearance; epistemological aphasia (the conviction that one
> > no longer knows anything); morbid feelings of lack of self-
> > worth often accompanied by paranoiac delusions of
> > victimization; a deepening of syntactic torpidity (the loss
> > of the ability to write clearly, simply, and, ultimately, at
> > all); a resurgence of teenage acne; even renewed thumb-
> > sucking and bed-wetting. Failure to File (F2F) represents a
> > particularly heartbreaking, and dimly understood, form of
> > TGP, in which the sufferer mysteriously disappears on the
> > eve of filing the completed dissertation, or otherwise
> > inexplicably decides to "tighten" the argument.
> >
> > Prevalence: Cases of TGP have been reported in every state
> > and in every graduate department. The Morningside Heights
> > district of Manhattan has produced rates suggesting a
> > veritable epidemic that is matched only by certain areas in
> > Berkeley, Calif.
> >
> > Treatment: In its advanced stages, TGP is considered
> > untreatable. For early-stage sufferers, long walks in open
> > farmland accompanied by a complete termination of parental
> > financial support has proved effective. Application to law
> > school has also been known to offer relief.
> >
> > Lawrence Douglas is an associate professor of law,
> > jurisprudence, and social thought, and Alexander George a
> > professor of philosophy, at Amherst College. A book of their
> > humorous essays, Sense and Nonsensibility: Lampoons of
> > Learning and Literature, was recently published by Simon &
> > Schuster.
> >
> >
> > -------------------------------------------------------------
> > -------------------
> > http://chronicle.com
> > Section: The Chronicle Review
> > Volume 51, Issue 26, Page B16
> >
>