"Terms of address" 2006.05.13 (01) [E]

[Lowlands-L]

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L O W L A N D S - L * 13 May 2006 * Volume 01
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From: "Sandy Fleming" <sandy at fleimin.demon.co.uk>
Subject: "Terms of address" 2006.05.12 (01) [E]

> From: ANNETTE GIESBRECHT <beautyaround at email.com>
> Subject: LL-L "Terms of address" 2006.05.11 (04) [E]
>
> Actually it's a form of respect.  I don't know how old you are, but I
> certainly wouldn't want some kid to call me by my first name, and by
> that ,show a careless familiarity and non respect,. although I sure
> wish they'd bring back the Aunt and Uncles for non relatives that we
> used to have when we were young.
>
Surely this is a game you can't win?

In our village Mrs Pierson was only Mrs Pierson to her face, we still
called her Crab Apple behind her back. And if some of our teachers knew
the names we had for them, they might have decided that being called by
their first names wasn't such a bad thing after all!

The idea that calling someone by their first name is disrespectful is
surely an arbitrary cultural phenomenon. All the children I know call me
by my first name or one of my various sign language names, and that's
considered normal. "Sandy" is short for "Alexander" which is from the
Greek for "defender of men", where can the disrespect be in that?

I think real respect (or want of it) has to be earned. People will think
what they think of you whatever you insist on being called.

Don't children often have certain adult relatives that, for some reason,
they always call by name rather than "granny", "dad" or whatever? I
always called my grandfather by his first name, and I have a friend who
always calls her mother by her first name. I think these habits start
because children repeat what they hear. My father always refered to his
mother as "your granny" when speaking to me, but referred to his father
by his first name when speaking to me. Why he did this I don't know.

Sandy Fleming
http://scotstext.org/

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From: R. F. Hahn <sassisch at yahoo.com>
Subject: Termns of address

I wholehearted agree with Sandy, in part on the basis of my own experience.

I found that people, especially those younger than the person they address
with Mr. and Ms., tend to be less well-disposed toward that person.  I ask
all people, including younger ones and students, in English-speaking
environments and also, if possible, in other linguistic environments, to
call me by my first name(s) (and _du_ etc., where applicable).  In the
vast majority of cases they treat me respectfully, perhaps even in a
friendlier way as well, without taking undue liberties.  My theory is that
this is because I don't set myself up as socially above them on the basis
of my age and relative social status.  If anyone does take liberties on
that basis (which has occurred very, very rarely) I have ways of
"tweaking" that, and I try to do so in a friendly and unthreatening way,
avoiding embarrassment on their part (i.e., for them to lose face).  I
find that this way there can be a casual, relaxed and friendly atmosphere
without the removal of barriers of propriety (which is particularly
important for a male when dealing with female colleages and students).

There is not a single one of my nephews and nieces that disrespects me,
even though they all call me by my first name.  Mathieu, Kenneth, Roman
and others, and, yes, our polite Ben, could be my sons age-wise, and they
call me by my first name(s).  Furthermore, I consider them friends, and I
delight in my contacts with them.  Even though we frequently joke,
buddy-like, even tease each other, I have never felt disrespected by any
of them, and I feel that they have for me what I consider "casual
respect," would describe our relationships as "ageless mateship" most of
the time.

I agree with Sandy that respect must be earned.  I have found that
symbolic barriers in the form of insistence on referencial terms of
address are more likely to be construed as imposed baseless barriers, and
this is likely to result in misgivings and scorn, at least behind one's
back.  It is all right in certain European languages because it is a part
of the culture, and people expect it.  It is very different in places like
Australia and the United States where, on an individual basis, insistence
on it is construed as deliberate distance and even haughtiness, and in
these cultures this does not go over well in many or most cases.

Take our Reuben and his wife for instance.  Age-wise they could be my
parents, but I address them by their first names.  Could I respect them
any less than I do?  No, sirry!  Would it make a difference if I called
them Mr. and Ms. Epp?  Yes, it would, but not in a good way.  It would
create distance, a type of barrier, while at the moment they are to me
friends for whom I have the utmost degrees of affection *and* respect. 
Why?  Because they are very sweet and kind people and you cannot help but
have respect and admiration for them simply because of their attitudes,
conduct, decency, knowledge and wisdom.

Regards,
Reinhard/Ron

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