fitzke at VOYAGER.NET
Fri Jun 11 00:16:13 UTC 1999
I think the followin is historically more accurate (and dialectically more
> 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
> hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
> Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
> 2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book
> of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
> tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am my brother's son?"
> 3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
> unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
> Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
> died before he ever reached Canada.
> 4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
> 5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
> wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
> female moth.
> 6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
> that name.
> 7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
> people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
> of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
> 8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
> and threw the java.
> 9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
> people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
> 10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
> The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
> to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
> 11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
> playing the fiddle to them.
> 12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard
> 13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
> for the same offense.
> 14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
> writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
> verses and also wrote literature.
> 15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
> apple while standing on his son's head.
> 16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
> success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
> shouted "hurrah."
> 17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
> invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
> invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
> historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
> smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
> 100-foot clipper.
> 18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
> He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He
> never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
> wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
> pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet.
> Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
> 19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
> He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
> Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
> Paradise Regained.
> 20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
> great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
> Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
> Santa Fe.
> 21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
> Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
> settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John
> Smith was responsible for all this.
> 22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
> tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
> through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War
> and no longer had to pay for taxis.
> 23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
> Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
> two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
> discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
> declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
> Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
> 24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
> domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed
> the right to keep bare arms.
> 25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
> mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
> built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
> signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14,
> 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one
> of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator
> was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
> Booth's career.
> 26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
> Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called
> Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
> noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the
> 27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
> large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
> spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
> the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
> so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half
> English. He was very large.
> 28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
> wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
> everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
> died for this.
> 29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
> catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit
> his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have
> any children.
> 30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
> Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen
> Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
> She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the
> final event which ended her reign.
> 31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
> inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
> reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
> network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
> McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis
> Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
> naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
> discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
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