the 1500s

Bob Fitzke fitzke at VOYAGER.NET
Fri Jun 11 00:16:13 UTC 1999

I think the followin is historically more accurate (and dialectically more
>  1.  Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
>      hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
>      Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
>  2.  The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book
>      of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
>      tree.  One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am my brother's son?"
>  3.  Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
>      unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
>      Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  He
>      died before he ever reached Canada.
>  4.  Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
>  5.  The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
>      wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
>      female moth.
>  6.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
>      that name.
>  7.  Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
>      people advice.  They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
>      of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
>      decline.
>  8.  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
>      and threw the java.
>  9.  Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
>      people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
>      long.
>  10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
>      The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
>      to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
>  11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
>      playing the fiddle to them.
>  12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard
>      Shaw.
>  13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
>      for the same offense.
>  14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
>      writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
>      verses and also wrote literature.
>  15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
>      apple while standing on his son's head.
>  16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
>      success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
>      shouted "hurrah."
>  17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
>      invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important
>      invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a
>      historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
>      smoking.  And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
>      100-foot clipper.
>  18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
>      He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.  He
>     never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He
>     wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
>     pentameter.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet.
>     Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
>  19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
>      He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton.
>      Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
>      Paradise Regained.
>  20. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
>      great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
>      Atlantic.  His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
>      Santa Fe.
>  21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
>      Pilgrim's Progress.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
>      settlers. Many died and many babies were born.  Captain John
>      Smith was responsible for all this.
>  22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
>      tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
>      through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War
>      and no longer had to pay for taxis.
>  23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
>      Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
>      two singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin
>      discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
>      declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
>      Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>  24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
>      domestic hostility.  Under the constitution the people enjoyed
>      the right to keep bare arms.
>  25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's
>      mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
>      built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
>      signing the Emasculation Proclamation.  On the night of April 14,
>      1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one
>      of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator
>      was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
>      Booth's career.
>  26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
>      Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called
>      Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
>      noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the
>      trees.
>  27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
>    large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old
>    spinster which he kept up in his attic.  Bach died from 1750 to
>    the present.  Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
>    so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half
>     English.  He was very large.
>  28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
>      wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when
>      everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
>      died for this.
>  29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
>      catapulted into Napoleon.  Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit
>      his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have
>      any children.
>  30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
>      Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen
>      Victoria was the longest queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
>      She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.  Her death was the
>      final event which ended her reign.
>  31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
>      inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started
>      reproducing by machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a
>     network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
>      McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.  Louis
>      Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a
>      naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.  Madman Curie
>      discovered radio.  And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
>      brothers.


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