Fwd: A Business Plan for the Oughties

[L oki]

Long & tongue-in-cheek, but a few interesting word usages here. Note
oughties (instead of aughties), ref. to Clockwork Orange, dot.commies,
skyhearses, virtual...

--------- Begin forwarded message ----------
From: CynthiaMacGregor at aol.com
To: PUNY at yahoogroups.com
Subject: [puny] COMPL Loop 2/145: A Business Plan for the Oughties
Date: Thu, 9 Aug 2001

DA SUBJECT:
We're only in ought-one, but already we've seen the dot-commers go
belly-up,
signaling the end of the *last* big business boom. What will be the next
business trend to surface?
In previous decades we've seen fast-food and other franchises expand,
certain other types of businesses gain footholds...some of them only
temporarily, others apparently to stay.
Apparently dotcoms are *not* the wave of the future...but then, what is?
Name a new restaurant chain, a new franchise, a new business of a type we
might expect to see more of in the Oughties. (Who knows...you may become
so
inspired, you'll actually go out and start that business...and be the
next
Bill Gates!)
That was the proposition posed to our players. And the responses they
came up
with? Read on.

DA LOOP:

Presidential Depot -
Following the examples of Home Depot and Office Depot, Presidential Depot
will offer low-priced presidents for all your needs -- corporate,
Homeowners'
Associations, even National. Does nobody want to be president of the PTA
this year? Never fear... you can pick your next prez off the
supermarket-style shelves of our giant warehouse. We stock presidents in
many sizes, styles, races, orientations... easily find one to fit *your*
needs. And when national Election time rolls around, save the mess of
voting -- no more butterfly ballots, hanging chad, presidencies decided
by the
Supreme Court, presidencies "bought" by big business interests. No more
interminable political commercials and mailboxes stuffed with flyer after
flyer. Nevermore will the political party of your affiliation call you to
demand contributions to help in "this very important race." Just pick a
president off our shelves! As always, of course, all presidents come with
a
full money-back guarantee. Shop Presidential Depot for the best
presidents
money can buy at a surprisingly affordable cost!

CM (7/28/01) Cyn MacGregor <CynthiaMacGregor at aol.com>
----------------------------------------

Let your loved ones spend eternity in paradise. Goddess Pele Funeral
Parlors
offer the latest in environmentally friendly undertaking.  Following the
tasteful memorial service of your choice the loved one is placed in a
biodegradable coffin aboard one of our gleaming Skyhearses flown low over
Kilauea. A lovely grass skirted flight attendant places a lei on the
casket,
says Aloha as your loved one becomes one with the volcano.  A bronze
plaque
is place at the rim (Gold plate or 24 ct. avail.  at extra cost).
Much needed strip malls and fast food outlets can be built on the lands
previously wasted on cemeteries. What's more you'll have the security of
knowing that some future archeologist won't be messing with your bones.
Those of you wishing a more Mediterranean destination should consider
our Italian sister company Arrive Derci Italia Salone Funereo which
utilizes
lovely Mt. Etna.

(KP 7/28/01) Ken Pinkham (Gato) <KennethPinkham at aol.com>
--------------------------------------

Drive thru- plastic surgery. -
Impatient patients can now receive weekly treatments on their lunch
breaks
without social stigma. Aging baby boomers still flush with funds from
brushes with "dot.communism" will soon begin to fall victim to sagging
buttocks and droopy D-cups. Their hectic lifestyles leave them little
down-time to dedicate to cosmetic surgery and the inevitable recovery
period
needed to maintain a youthful image.

Biological clock repair shops. -
Old timers who've waited too long to begin a family can now have their
clockwork re-oranged so that it will function as if they were still
spring
chickens.

Virtual vacations -
Microchip technology now enables people to experience exciting vacations
in
exotic locations without ever leaving home. Simply submit your preferred
itinerary and destination(s) and vivid memories of your virtual vacation
will be downloaded onto your memory chip implant. For an additional fee,
souvenirs, snapshots and videotape of your globetrotting adventure will
be
provided to impress your friends and corroborate your boastful stories.

(GH 7/29/01) Gary Hallock <c.hallock at mail.utexas.edu>
-------------------------------------------

Ye-Church -
The ultimate in virtual, uh, virtuous worship.  Using the latest in VR
(virtuous reality) techniques, now you can experience the joy of having
God
and Christ in your life directly and constantly.  Imagine being able to
ask
His advice at any moment, and in any situation.  Let Him guide you
through
life's vicissitudes.  Know in your heart and in your mind that He is with
you always and all ways.
For those of other religious inclinations, analogous services are
provided
as follows:

Jews:
e-Brew International-with complimentary beer and hot dogs:  is real good!

Muslims:
Dar al e-Slam-with the proprietary Gee Dad gaming system

Hindus:
Darth Veda-You vish new sieve-a, we geev-a you new sieve-a

Buddhists:
Nerve-ana Om-In a convenient laptop using the latest Intel Pentium
VIII-Fold
Way

Shintos:
e-Hon Gaku-The very latest in animism.

Copts:
e-Gypped Pyramid Schemes-Let your blessings pile up!

(LH, 08/07/01) Lars Hanson <parkersan at sprynet.com>
==========================

 Visit the P.U.N.Y. and O.Henry Museum websites!
 http://bounce.to/puny (http://puny.webjump.com)
 http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/parks/ohenry.htm
 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/puny

--------- End forwarded message ----------