Lost? No, the laptop's not *lost*

[James A. Landau]

> Mai Kuha <mkuha at BSUVC.BSU.EDU> writes:
>
>
>  Attorney General John Ashcroft's term for the FBI's lost guns and
>  laptop(s): "assets that are not subject to location"
>  (http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/fedagencies/july-dec01/fbi_7-18.html)
>  ...perhaps a handy way to discourage people from jumping into the
>  conclusion that someone could be blamed for this characteristic associated
>  with certain objects.
>
    I find you about as funny as a screen door in a submarine.  You see,
someone once stole a computer from me.  The computer was government property.
 The thieves did not take the computer.  Instead, in a complicated scam, they
made sure that certain paperwork for the computer was missing.  Then a year
later (assuming that by then I would have forgotten the details of the
paperwork) they accused me of losing the computer, in which case I would be
responsible for paying for this "missing" computer.
    The object of the scam was for the thieves to get themselves a computer
that I would pay for (no, not out of my pocket, but out of my office's
budget.)
    The scam fell apart because, through a stroke of luck, the physical
computer had been returned to the vendor (it was leased, not purchased) and
then re-issued to our office!  My boss played dumb and said, "We don't know
what you're talking about.  The computer is right here."

    So...here was an "asset not subject to location" although it had been
sitting for months exactly where it was supposed to be, namely next to the
secretary's desk.
    I will make the following flat prediction:  of the missing guns, laptops,
etc. it will eventually be determined that while some were indeed stolen,
others will be found to be where they belong, or even never to have existed
in the first place, and the reports that they are missing/unlocatable will
turn out to have been paperwork foulups.

Since you are so determined to parse the words of the Attorney-General, let's
repeat what you said.
>  ...perhaps a handy way to discourage people from jumping into the
>  conclusion that someone could be blamed for this characteristic associated
>  with certain objects.
I think this is an excellent description of what Janet Reno said about
machine guns and trigger fingers shortly after a certain stormtrooper raid in
Miami.

      - Jim Landau, who has learned through bitter experience never to let a
piece of  equipment be removed from his office without a signed receipt.