Missouri Sayings (Caution! Not for kids!!)

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   From the Philadelphia, Missourah, member of this tour:

Dumber than a post.

So stupid he can't pour piss out of a boot with the directions on the heel.

Busier than a cat covering up shit on a tin roof.

That guy is so tall, no matter where he fell down he'd be halfway home.

He's ploughed so much he's cross-eyed from looking up that mule's ass.

He's so bow-legged and so knock-kneed they spell ox.

If you told that to a dead horse, he'd kick the hell out of you.
(Lying to the speaker--ed.)

Colder than a welldigger's ass in the Klondyke.

If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna hit you so hard your head's gonna ring like a ten-penny nail hit with a greasy ballpeen hammer.

I'd rather hear a fat boy fart than a pretty girl sing.

8 to 80, crippled, crazy, or blind--if they can't walk, we drag 'em.

You'd rather jack off a grizzly bear with broken glass (or cockleberries--ed.) than mess with me.

MISSOURI TEST TO SEE IF A GIRL IS READY TO HAVE SEX:  Put her in a rain barrel.  If her head sticks out, she's ready.  If it doesn't, then cut the barrel.

I got drunk and woke up with this girl this morning, and the only clean spot is where I sucked her tit.

(Then we went to sleep in the yurt--ed.)