OT: Louisiana Christmas

[James A. Landau]

Very OT, but some of our regular contributors may like it.

>Day 1:
>Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night
>with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow wid all da heat in the
>summa.
>Marie
>
>Day 2:
>Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was
>two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo
>out of dem.
>Marie
>
>Day 3:
>Dear Boudreaux, Why couldn't you a sent me Crawfish? I'm tired of eating
>dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan
>over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed
>some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
>Marie
>
>Day 4:
>Dear Boudreau, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more xxxxx birds. Deez four, what
>you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to
>Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem
>to de gators.
>Marie
>
>Day 5:
>Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem golden rings,
>me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da
>shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane
>Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
>Marie
>
>Day 6:
>Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg
>suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems
>eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches,
>though. I may stuff one of dem wit oyster dressing on Christmas day.
>Marie
>
>Day 7:
>Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you.
>Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is
>stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue
>him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck
>hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
>Marie
>
>Day 8:
>Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat
>to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked
>by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless
>maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepin the shack
>but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta
>skin nutrias I caught las night.
>Marie
>
>Day 9:
>Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the
>Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the
>bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I
>doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee
>or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too
>snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
>Marie
>
>Day 10:
>Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you,
>I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from Bourbon
>Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in
>front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a
>water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute
>le monde an had to get toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer
>dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin'.
>Marie
>
>Day 11:
>Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping
>arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de
>boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya and we having a fais-do-do.
>Da new mailman he having a good time, yeah, dancing with de floozies.
>Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If
>you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.
>Marie
>
>Day 12:
>Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no.
>After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide
>to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon
>me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be
>waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta
>milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my
>shrimping business. We will probably gross a million nex year.
>Marie