More airline humor

[James A. Landau]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the
corrective action recorded by mechanics.  By the way, QANTAS is the only
major airline that has never had an accident.

(P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stads for the
corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm [foot per minute]
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

                - Source unknown