You have to be Jewish

[James A. Landau]

(from the usual unknown source)

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
             " The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They
sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of  whom
should be absent at every meeting.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on
white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve
immortality through not dying.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.  They have no
holidays.

Don't be humble; you are not that great

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
something.

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap
will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is
Jewish.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish.

If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even, if you
are Jewish.
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  It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
  "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in
front.
  "What are my choices?," Moshe asked.
  "Yes or no," she replied.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and brought to the local
hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Epstein, are you
comfortable?"
  Epstein replies, "I make a nice living...."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers.
  He was asked to spell "cultivate" and he spelled it correctly. He was then
asked to use the word in a sentence, and with a big smile, responded: "Last
vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too
cultivate, so I took the subvay home."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper
  from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
  At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many
people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this
week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to
write a letter.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the
restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second
takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
  The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we
  agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Signs on Synagogue Bulleting Boards:
  - Under same management for over 5763 years.
  - Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this Shabbat
  - Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
  - Come early for a good seat.
  - What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught on:
  - Oy to the World
  - Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
  - Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
  - Come on Baby Light my Menorah
  - Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
  - Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
  "What denomination?," says the clerk.
  The woman says "Oy vay, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6
Orthodox, 12 Conservative and 32 Reform!"