short slang story

[Sam Clements]

Rats!  I though you had found "mulligan."  Or "skins."    :(

SC
----- Original Message -----
From: "Mullins, Bill" <Bill.Mullins at US.ARMY.MIL>
To: <ADS-L at LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
Sent: Monday, November 22, 2004 5:39 PM
Subject: short slang story


> This is short enough it seemed proper to send it in total.
>
> "A Golf Fable in Slang" Wilbur L. Smith, _The American Golfer_, February,
> 1913, No. 4, p. 316-317.
>
> A GOLF FABLE IN SLANG
> BY WILBUR L. SMITH.
> (With apologies to Geo. Ade.)
>
> Once there was a Bachelor, 5 ft. 7 in. tall, who Tipped the Toy of the
Blind
> Goddess of Justice at 277 lbs. Plus (in his Stocking Feet) and in order to
> Eliminate a few Pounds of Excess Baggage, he decided that Golf would be
just
> about the Proper Caper.  It so happened that there was a Skinny,
> Suffragette, Bachelor Maid, of uncertain Vintage, 5 ft. 7 in. tall who, in
a
> Salome Costume, weighed just 100 lbs. Minus, and was Advised to play
"Goff"
> to gain a few Ounces of Upholstering
> for her Slats. It also happened that there was a Smart Boob who was Hep to
> the Ideas of this Abnormal Pair, and Introduced this Human Steam Roller to
> the Human Darning Needle, and what was the Result? Answer: We shall
Discern
> later. They were members of the Dubbmore Golf Club, and one Bright,
Sunshiny
> Day, in the Pup Days of August, decided to go out for the P. M. and see if
> they could not Accomplish their Fell Designs. They engaged a couple of
> caddies to Tote the Junk and Teed off at No. 1. The Human D. N. used to
play
> some Croquet, and held the Ladies' Open Championship Cup of the Summer
> Colony at Swamphurst, and knew something about a Sphere. She teed the ball
> carefully and Deliberately and Drove off. The Human S. R. had so much
> Abdominal Excess, and Extended over the Building Line so far, that when he
> Addressed the Ball he could not see it, but after two Vicious Stabs
> succeeded in hitting it (his Caddie said to the other Robber: "Gee! he
> couldn't hit a Bale of Hay with a Mallet") and the Pill Stopped in a nice
> Pot Bunker just 32 yards away-his Afternoon Affinity being over by a good
> Hair Mattress. She holed out in 9 (par 4).  He in 14.
>
> At No. 2 tee she made a B-e-a-utiful drive, viz.: 32 yards, and he topped
> two times into a stream that was 10 yards from the tee-4 feet across at
> High, perfectly dry at Low tide- losing the ball. (His Philosophical
caddie
> informed him that they would have a Revenue Cutter with a Diver, Anchored
> there next Season.) She made an 8 and He 14 (par 3). They Excavated the
> Course in Spots, Flubdubbed around, lost several of the Elusive Pills, and
> otherwise Laboriously Wormed their way to No. 13. His Collar was as Wet as
> Sop, and He was all Mussed-Up. Her Face was Devoid of Powder, Revealing a
> few Transverse Sub-Stratum Bunkers. At this tee, Dear Reader, she made the
> only Decent Drive of the day, for the ball Ceased Ambling 97 yards Down
the
> Center. He, for the first time, Connected with the ball, for a Horrible
> Slice; Wafted it 210 yards, West S. W. ¾ W. into the Tall Timber (the
course
> he should have Navigated was East S. E. ½ E.), and up to Going to Press
the
> Sphere is still Ricocheting Around in the Conservation District.
>
> After this Horrible Episode he was quite Desperate and Muttered: "Curses;
> the Devil is in the Ball today" and Suggested to his Laurel Crowned
Opponent
> that they Repair to the Life Saving Station-which they do. After the
> Showers, she tried some Oolong with a bit of Lemon and Instructor
> Crackers-he Lapped up a few with Maraschino Cherries in 'em. then took her
> back to her Home in his Limozette.
>
> For Dinner she ate one Reed Bird with a piece of Dry Toast, and was
restless
> on her Downy Couch during the Whole Night. He went to his Club for Dinner,
> and told the waiter he was so hungry that he could Eat a Raw Mule Stuffed
> with Fire-Crackers-so the waiter brought him an Extra Porter-house with
> Frills and Bubble Juice, and later when he went to the Hay, Slept like
Capt.
> Kidd.
>
> When he "Weighed in" the next morning he Threw a Fit, for the Scales
Showed
> a Net Gain of 4 lbs. Plus.
>
> He telephoned her, and Horrors Above-she had lost-weighed 97 lbs. Minus.
>
> Moral: It was ever thus in a Golfer's happiest hour, to see some fondest
> hope Collapse.
>