kosher computer

[James A. Landau]

source unknown for the following.  It appeared in a mailing to the local
Hadassah chapter.

I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers!
They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is great, even
with the shipping from Israel. I've been using one now for several weeks and
highly recommend it.

However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know
that there are some important differences from the typical non-kosher computer
you are used to. These include:

1) The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting
any younger!" button.

2) I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can
do?"

5) When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you
did this, she would die."

6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that
advertises it gets rid of all the "schmutz und dreck."

7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with me with a "You want I should fix
this?" message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen".

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday.

10) It comes with two hard drives -- one for fleyshedik (business software,
aka "meat"), and one for milchedik (games -- "dairy").

11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets
"Ferklempt".

12) The multimedia player has been renamed, "Nu, so play my music already!"

13) Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right
corner.

14) When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Vey!"

15) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am
instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchis."

17) After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam!