Not Your Gramma's Grammar

[Doug Harris]

Jacob Rivera, 15, who was convicted of assault, receives intensive
therapy near his Bronx apartment as part of his sentence.

Better:  Fifteen-year-old Jacob Rivera, who was convicted of assault,
receives intensive therapy near his Bronx apartment as part of his
sentence.

The first of the above two versions runs to 20 words and 123 characters,
including spaces.
The second runs to 20 words and 136 characters including spaces.

The original: 23 words, 135 spaces.

My second version could be reduced to a shorter character count by
replacing 'receives' with 'gets', without substantially altering the
meaning. If space were really an issue, you could parse the sentence
a bit more (without altering the meaning) by eliminating 'who was'.

OK?
dh


Please write the complete sentence, as one sentence, starting it
with  "Jacob Rivera, 15, who was convicted..."  Including the apartment.
Joel

>"Twice removed"? You have a problem with
>   "Jacob Rivera, 15, who was convicted..."
>?
>
>m a m
>
>On Wed, Feb 20, 2008 at 10:16 PM, Doug Harris <cats22 at frontiernet.net>
>wrote:
>
> > A cut line (photo caption) on the front page of the NY/Region of today's
> > NY Times:
> > >Jacob Rivera, 15, near his apartment in the Bronx, who was convicted of
> > assault, receives intensive therapy as part of his new sentence.<
> > ---
> > The topic of typos has arisen here again recently. Many such, as
> > has been noted, can be excused by time and other pressures. It's
> > not so easy, though, to 'justify' subject-object twice (by commas)
removed
> > disasters such as this one.

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