Church bulletin malaprops

[Bill Palmer]

You left out the best one:

There will be a meeting this week of the Little Mothers Club.  If you would
like to become a Little Mother, please see the pastor in his study.


Bill Palmer

----- Original Message -----
From: "James A. Landau <JJJRLandau at netscape.com>" <JJJRLandau at NETSCAPE.COM>
To: <ADS-L at LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
Sent: Sunday, June 21, 2009 6:27 PM
Subject: Church bulletin malaprops


> ---------------------- Information from the mail
> header -----------------------
> Sender:       American Dialect Society <ADS-L at LISTSERV.UGA.EDU>
> Poster:       "James A. Landau <JJJRLandau at netscape.com>"
>              <JJJRLandau at NETSCAPE.COM>
> Subject:      Church bulletin malaprops
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide that were
> collected by Rinkworks.com and posted on Netscape.com
>
> The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."  The sermon tonight:
> "Searching for Jesus."
>
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
> Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>
> O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation.
>
> "Marriage: An Institution to Be Endured."
>
> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the
> recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
> downstairs.
>
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church
> basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
> tragedy.
>
> Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
>
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
> Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't
> care much about you.
>
> Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
>
> This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
> the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>
> Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
> Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
>
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
> will follow.
>
> Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting
> Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference
> includes meals."
>
> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
> conflict.
>
> The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
> seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
> things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands!
>
> Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are
> invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
>
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
> lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
>
> Tryouts for the choir will take place next Thursday. They need all the
> help they can get.
>
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
> new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>
> Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
> pleasure to the congregation.
>
> The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
> sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
>
> The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use
> the back door.
>
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
> Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
>
> Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
> transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
> Pastor Jack's sermons.
>
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the
> church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>
> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
> Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
> you want remembered.
>
> Thursday night: Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
>
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and
> gracious hostility.
>
> The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
> last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
>
>
>
> _____________________________________________________________
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>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
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The American Dialect Society - http://www.americandialect.org