"The Whole Nine Yard" Again

[Murrah Lee]

I read Benjamin Zimmer's article on "the whole nine yard," and he
refers to an off-color story published by Barry Popik on his web site
about a Scotsman with an erection and a mixup in a conversation with
his girl friend between the erection and a nine yard scarf that he had
knitted for her.  That the phrase could have originated in an off-
color joke seems plausible since Air Force pilots are known to be a
bawdy bunch.  It reminds me of an analogous off-color story I heard in
grade school in East Texas probably in the late 1950's.  Here is how
it goes:

Chester of Gunsmoke fame got an erection that would not go away.  An
embarrassed Chester went to Doc, who told him to go to the livery
stable and wrap his member in horse dung poultice.  So down he goes to
the stable and is in the process of shoveling horse dung when Miss
Kitty unexpectedly walks in.

She asks him, "What's going on, Chester?"

An embarrassed Chester explains, whereupon Miss Kitty hikes her dress
and says, "Stick it in, Chester!"

Chester replied, "The whole dang shovelful, Miss Kitty?"

It also reminds me of the origins of the phrase "Tell 'em how the cow
ate the cabbage," meaning to tell the ugly, unvarnished truth.  I
heard my mother use that phrase many times when I was a kid.
Apparently, it had its origin in a slightly off-color joke (for its
time) as follows:

An elephant escaped from the circus in a small town and wandered to
the edge of town when it got into Mrs. Jones' cabbage patch.  The
hungry elephant began pulling up cabbages with its trunk and eating
them.  Mrs. Jones, who had very poor eyesight,  saw the elephant and
called the sheriff.

"Sheriff," she said, "There is a big cow in my garden pulling up
cabbages with its tail."

"What's the cow doing with them?" he asked.

"You would not believe me if I told you," she replied.

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