Breaking News: Critic presumed dead, discovered alive and kicking

[Phil Graham]

Mississippi, July 20, 2007

Rumours about the untimely death of distinguished critical linguist,
Professor Robert de Beaugrande, were today quashed when Professor de
Beaugrande was discovered scouring the Mississippi swamps, allegedly in
search of what he said were "Henry Widdowson's pretexts".

Talk of de Beaugrande's demise began after a mischievous internet posting of
what several confused critics described as "a digital tombstone".

"I don't know who would start such an outrageous campaign", said an agitated
de Beaugrande.

"I'm certainly not dead, but I'll admit these swamps have got me smelling a
bit gamey", he continued.

When asked why he had travelled so far from Slovenia in his search, he
replied " Well *you *try and find the damned things ... even one of them".

A number of concerned colleagues have expressed relief. Others remain
unsettled about events surrounding the alleged death, and the subsequent
reports of de Beaugrande's wide-ranging quest.

"As far as I'm concerned", said one critic who refused to be named, "the
whole affair reeks of deliberate subterfuge.

"Everyone knows those damned things are *always* hard to find, and Slovenia
has some wonderful truffles.

"Why bother?"

Professor de Beaugrande was unavailable for further comment and is believed
to be continuing his search Eastwards into the Florida everglades.











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