Washington State: Our English-only policy, as time goes by

Harold F. Schiffman haroldfs at ccat.sas.upenn.edu
Fri Jun 2 12:31:11 UTC 2006

>>From the Whidbey News-Times

Our English-only policy, as time goes by

By Jim Larsen May 31 2006

Congress today passed a bill making English the official language, and
requiring all U.S. citizens to speak English. After an outcry, Congress
passed a bill today giving legal and illegal residents 20 years to learn
English and gain citizenship. After another outcry, Congress passed a bill
today saying the government would help aspiring citizens learn English,
rather than just kick non-English speakers out of the country. Congress
today passed a bill requiring all school districts to offer free English
lessons to anyone, or lose federal funding. It included no funding for
more English teachers in the bill.

Congress today, acting on the lack of people taking advantage of free
English classes, required all non-English people to attend the classes.
After an outcry from overworked police, Congress today announced it will
hire 100,000 language police to test suspected non-English speakers and
escort the guilty to the free English classes. Bowing to pressure,
Congress today said it would hire 100,000 people to teach English to
aspiring citizens. Both the language police and the new teachers would be
paid for by increasing the national debt. Reacting to widespread fraud,
Congress today made it a felony to certify that someone can speak English
when they actually can not.

Reacting to confusion as to what constitutes adequate English, Congress
today established a committee to produce guidelines for proper English,
and to see that those standards are enforced nationwide. Reacting to an
outcry that the new language standards revealed that the vast majority of
Americans do not speak proper English, Congress today required remedial
English classes for all Americans. With confusion growing over the English
language requirement, Congress today created a new cabinet level post,
Secretary of English, to oversee the new Federal Department of English
Instruction. With all English programs under one umbrella, the process of
teaching English should be more efficient.

Reacting to a band of terrorists with strong southern accents who blew up
a warehouse full of English textbooks, Congress today incorporated the
Department of English Instruction into the Department of Homeland
Security. National polls released today show that after years of trying,
the number of non-English speaking people living in America has quadrupled
since English was required by Congress. The New York Times reported today
the Pentagon has been tapping into Americans phone calls, recording who is
speaking Spanish, [S]Wahili, Lithuanian and other foreign languages.

Congress today authorized the spending of one hundred billion dollars to
build language prisons for people who refuse to learn English. Reacting to
criticism that it could never force English on everyone in America,
Congress today adopted a resolution stating, Si, se puede!


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