6.200 Humour: Optimal artificial languages

[The Linguist List]

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LINGUIST List:  Vol-6-200. Mon 13 Feb 2005. ISSN: 1068-4875. Lines: 99
 
Subject: 6.200 Humour: Optimal artificial languages
 
Moderators: Anthony Rodrigues Aristar: Texas A&M U. <aristar at tam2000.tamu.edu>
            Helen Dry: Eastern Michigan U. <hdry at emunix.emich.edu>
 
Asst. Editors: Ron Reck <rreck at emunix.emich.edu>
               Ann Dizdar <dizdar at tam2000.tamu.edu>
               Ljuba Veselinova <lveselin at emunix.emich.edu>
 
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1)
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 16:51:20 +1100 (EST)
From: j.guy at trl.OZ.AU (Jacques Guy)
Subject: Optimal artificial languages (humour)
 
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1)
Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 16:51:20 +1100 (EST)
From: j.guy at trl.OZ.AU (Jacques Guy)
Subject: Optimal artificial languages (humour)
 
 
There has been a bit (wee) of discussion on this on sci.lang and, well,
I could not resist the temptation. Here is my contribution to the topic:
 
>From jbm at newsserver.trl.oz.au (Jacques Guy)
Date 27 Jan 1995 15:29:06 +1100
Newsgroups sci.lang
Subject Re: Optimal Artificial Languages
 
Language being for communication (not necessarily of truths, mark my words),
an optimal artificial language should be designed so that its messages
survive unscathed through the worst static.
 
  Ergo, we want *maximal phonetic differentiation* (tm)
 
  Of the vowels, we pick those maximally distant: a, i, u.
  Of the consonants, ditto: a dental, a labial, a velar.
  Having picked the most differentiated points of articulation
  we must also pick the most deifferentiated manners thereof.
  Fricative, nasal, stop should do nicely. And let us use
  voicing to help along. That leaves us with *three maximally
  distant consonants*, which are: m, z, k.
 
  So far, so good. But we can do better still. Let each
  consonant be associated with one, and only one, vowel,
  so that, if either consonant or vowel manages to get
  mangled in the transmission, you can restitute one
  from the other. Naturally, we would match vowels and
  consonants to ensure least articulatory effort, lest
  speakers, tired by too much tongue and lip shifting,
  start slurring their words. There aren't two ways
  about it: i goes with z, u with m, a with k.
 
  So there we have it, the perfect language for noise-free
  communication. It's CV, no consonant clusters, no
  diphthongs, and each syllable starts with exactly one
  consonant and has only one vowel. If the consonant
  is z the vowel is i, and so on (how lazy can one get!
  the list of possibilities is short indeed, yet I
  wrote "and so on"). Ergo, it has only three possible
  syllables: zi, ka, mu, thereby being some 130 times
  easier than Chinese (with its 400+ possible syllables).
 
  And consider this sample vocabulary (I leave the
  meanings to your imagination):
 
  zizi
  kaka
  mumu
  zizimu
  kakamu
 
  Infants will learn it easily! Consider all its advantages:
  your children will speak fluently before they are two!
 
  One of the first, because shortest, words they will learn
  will be..... muzika!  Thus ensuring the earliest possible
  development of their musical aptitude!
 
  Promote ZIKAMU (tm), the international language of
  to-morrow!
 
  NB  It has come to our attention that a renegade splinter
  group of the original ZIKAMU (tm) movement is peddling a pale
  imitation of ZIKAMU (tm) under the plagiarized name
  "KAZIMU". Do not be deceived! The study and practice of
  their inferior product may cause brain damage! Insist
  on learning the one and only ZIKAMU (tm). Join the official,
  approved ZIKAMU Foundation (tm) to day!
 
  (Il y en a des qui vont encore se demander si c'est du lard
  ou du cochon. C'est du lard, bonnes gens, c'est du lard!)
 
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