34.1092, The Future according to SpecGram

Sat Apr 1 13:05:03 UTC 2023

LINGUIST List: Vol-34-1092. Sat Apr 01 2023. ISSN: 1069 - 4875.

Subject: 34.1092, The Future according to SpecGram

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Editor for this issue: Daniel Swanson <daniel at linguistlist.org>
================================================================

Date: 
From: Daniel Swanson [daniel at linguistlist.org]
Subject: The Future according to SpecGram

We are, as you have probably noticed by now, in the middle of our fund
drive (funddrive.linguistlist.org/donate), and, as such, we have been
doing things in keeping with our theme, which is Future Tense. That
being our theme, what better celebration of that theme than some
predictions? And so we reached out to our colleagues at the august
publication Speculative Grammarian and invited them to contribute and
this is what they provided:

__________

Are you in a world of linguistic hurt? The SpecGram Linguistic Advice
Collective (SLAC) will offer you empirical, empathic, emphatic advice
you can use![1]

Remember, if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad
advice, then you don’t need advice! So, if you need advice, trust
us—and cut yourself some SLAC!

__________

Dear SLAC,

What will the future of linguistics hold?

—A Linguist

✢ ✢ ✢

Dear Alien Guest,

Linguistics has no future. It has a past and a nonpast. Some refer to
the latter as a present, but the nasty looks when I gave all of my
family members linguistics textbooks as a present were indicative of
their bad mood. I’m pretty tense about what to get them this
Christmas, but that’s a problem for nonpast me, or perhaps anti-past
me, though definitely not ante-past me, when I was more than perfect.
This is my year to prepare the repast, perhaps with a nice antipasto.
Anyway, it will be nice to see my leftist niblings, the future
progressives.

—SLAC Unit #56696e63656e74

✢ ✢ ✢

Dear A—

The future is a cookie. To find what it holds, you must crack it open.
According to my field research, “We don’t know the future, but here’s
a cookie.” In short, you will soon receive tenure for a revolutionary
critical analysis of temporal logic in natural languages that throws
the whole field into chaos. Congratulation, you lousy bastard.

—SLAC Unit #4d696b61656c

✢ ✢ ✢

Dear All at Sea,

The future of linguistics is linguistics of the future. Yes, that’s
it. If we could be more helpful, we wouldn’t have done linguistics.

—SLAC Unit #4a6f6e617468616e

✢ ✢ ✢

Dear A,

Your question touches on a subject that is currently controversial.
Various models have been advanced, mostly based on extrapolation from
the past. Although proto-linguistics was developing in the late 1800s,
and synchronic perspectives fluctuation with diachronic ones in the
first half of the 1900s, the field underwent startling inflationary
growth starting around 1960. Two main streams of thought currently
exist: 1. the inflation of the 60s mirrors financial inflation, with
linguistic theories becoming less and less valuable as they grow in
currency; and 2. the field’s inflation is better thought of
cosmologically, and linguistics will either collapse in on itself in
one dense Underlying Representation, or else diffuse infinitely beyond
the point of coherence.

You can make up whatever data you think will support the
interpretation you prefer. We predict you’ll get tenure for that.

—SLAC Unit #4b65697468

✢ ✢ ✢

Dear Alingual,

The future of linguistics is bleak. Once transformer models reach a
critical size of 84,228,832,840,624,856,888,951,452,682,255,627
parameters (which, according to Moore’s law is expected to happen
within 5 years, 3 months and 2 days, ±5 months and 27 days), they will
embody a complete model of Universal Grammar, and language will
essentially be solved. After this, 97.36% of communication will be
between machines, and linguists will have to get real jobs—if the
robots have left us any.

—SLAC Unit #50657465

✢ ✢ ✢

Dear XYZ

Well, I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but I heard from a reliable
source that in the future, language will be completely replaced by
emojis. All communication will be done through a series of smiley
faces and thumbs up. I’m already practicing my 😂 👍 👌 skills, just in
case.

—SLAC Unit #436861744475054

✢ ✢ ✢

/eːːːːːːːːːːːːːːːːːːːːi/!

Unfortunately, SLAC Unit #436861744475054 is brain-dead, but—even more
unfortunately—it is just about the right level of brain-dead to appeal
to the general population. I predict that as social media continues to
morph our society into one giant competition for the collective but
ever-dwindling supply of attention, likes and shares will become our
de facto currency, and the once-noble field of linguistics will be
reduced to a reality TV show called Academia’s Next Top Linguist, So
You Think You Can Enunciate, or some such.

Contestants will compete in language-based challenges like reciting
the International Phonetic Alphabet backwards, diagramming Yupik
sentences, conjugating Basque verbs, and translating Ubykh proverbs
into Volapük. The show will be hosted by a hologram of John McWhorter
and the ghost of William Safire. The final prize will be a
tenure-track position at a prestigious university that has eliminated
its linguistics departement.

—SLAC Unit #54726579

[1] Advice is not guaranteed to be useful, practical, or even
possible. Do not attempt at home. Consult a doctor (of linguistics,
philology, or—in a pinch—anthropology) before undertaking any course
of treatment. This advice is not intended to cure or treat any disease
or condition, inherent or contingent. Any resemblance to persons
living or dead is purely coincidental, except when it is not.
“Empirical” means that we asked at least two other “people” whether
our advice was good; one or more of those “people” may be voices in
our own heads. “Emphatic” means that you may print out a copy of the
advice for personal use in a medium, semi-bold, bold, heavy, black, or
ultra-black weight of an italic or oblique typeface using an enlarged
font size. “Empathic” means that deep down, in the darkest recesses of
our blackest heart of hearts, we really, really care ♥—just not
necessarily about you.

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LINGUIST List: Vol-34-1092
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