Onegin translation

[ja tu]

Dear Mr. Joseph Malkin,
 
Your translation of Onegin sounds very, very good, true to Pushkin's text. However, there will always be departures from the original. So our task is to make as few of them as possible.
 
I'll continue here in Russian. Давайте возьмем первые четыре строчки после вступления и проанализируем, как я обычно это делаю с собственными переводами (я переводчик философской поэмы "Заратустра" А.Э. Назирова, поэта и философа из Санкт-Петербурга; книга "Zarathustra" by Nazirov is available on Amazon together with his other poems "A Poet's Gallery" in my translation).
 
“My uncle, of most fair persuasion,
When taken seriously ill,
Enforced respect on the occasion -
His best idea, if you will.
 
В первой строке не передано ключевое слово: "правил". Оно двузначно: и правила (rules), и прав (right). Во второй строке отсутствует двузначное "не в шутку": и "очень сильно" (seriously - это у Вас есть), и "без притворства на сей раз" (past joking, no fake illness). Третья строка передает смысл, но звучит, как весь английский язык для русских, информативно: в русском языке выражение "заставить себя уважать" - довольно просто, обычно, искренне. Последняя строка, четвертая, сильно англицизирована: "could not..." было бы ближе к оригиналу.
 
I hope this helps.
 
Sincerely,
 
Ivan Zhavoronkov.
Member, Russian Interregional Union of Writers
Corresponding Member, Derzhavin Academy
of Russian Literature & Fine Arts
St. Petersburg, Russia
E-mail: ivanzhav at rambler.ru
 

 
 
 

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Sincerely, 


Ivan Zhavoronkov</blockquote> 


________________________________
From: Josef Malkin <malkincom at GMAIL.COM>
To: SEELANGS at bama.ua.edu 
Sent: Wednesday, January 4, 2012 10:24 AM
Subject: [SEELANGS] Onegin translation

Dear all,

For the last three years I was busy translating EO. I finished the rough version about two month ago. Having mostly very positive response, I dare to send to you a sample of my labor, and I would be very grateful for any feedback.

With warm regards,

Josef Malkin.

Not for the lofty nobles' leisure,
But as a genuine friendship's sign,
I wished to offer thee a treasure, 
A present, worthy to be thine,
Worthwhile to be the true ideal
Of an accomplished, sacred dream,
Of poetry sincere and real,
Of higher thoughts, a candid theme;
Nevertheless, accept this scramble -
The motley chapters of my rhymes,
Half melancholic, half amusing,
Fairly ingenuous, yet musing,
The careless fruits of jolly times, 
The sleepless nights, brief inspirations,
My youth, my wilted days, a chart
Of cold, cerebral observations
And grievous comments of my heart.

I

“My uncle, of most fair persuasion,
When taken seriously ill,
Enforced respect on the occasion -
His best idea, if you will.
A deed, for others worth exploring,
But goodness me, it is so boring
To nurse the patient day and night
And never dare to leave his sight!
False is pretending dedication
To entertain the almost dead,
Arrange his pillow, make his bed,
Serve dolefully his medication,
To heave a sigh, to wish him well
And think: “When will you go to hell!”


II 

This was the young cad's contemplation
While racing in a dusty coach,
An heir by Zeus's invocation
Of all his folks, with no reproach.
Dear friends of Ruslan and Ludmila!
Please, make acquaintance with my hero
Right here, right now, with no delay
I recommend to you today:
Onegin, my good friend, arisen
From Neva's shores where maybe you,
My reader, saw the first light too, 
And where your bright star may have risen.
I've strolled there too. But northern cold
Is bad for me, so I've been told. 

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