Rudolph C Troike rtroike at U.ARIZONA.EDU
Thu Nov 16 03:34:19 UTC 2000

This just in:


> What was that about being a laughing stock?
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
> govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> independence, effective today.
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
> all states, commonwealths and other territories.  Except Utah, which she
> does not fancy.  Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP, for
> the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
> outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
> for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A
> questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
> noticed.
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> are introduced with immediate effect:
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you should
> your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary". Using the
> twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
> know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  Look up
> "interspersed".
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf.
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard.
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> good guys.
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>  6. You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one kind
> football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
> borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.  You
> will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
> football.  Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.  It
> a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
> play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
> stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
> like nancies).  We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
> side by 2005.
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
> they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
> is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
> have never been the bad guys.
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 7th will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your
> own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.
> Thank you for your cooperation.

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