Swifties (February 1963)

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   From PLAYBOY, Playboy After Hours, February 1963, pg. 19, col. 1:

   If you boyhood commenced sometime after the era of Jules Verne and before the advent of Horatio Alger, chances are that you became addicted to the hair-breadth exploits of that paragon of pluck and moxie; that clean-living champion of God, Home, Flag and Mother; that indomitably optimistic and stick-to-itive spouter of sticky sampler mottos; the immortal Tom Swift, of whom Frank Merriwell, the Rover Boys and even Tom Swift, Jr.--his contemporary namesake--are the palest reflections.  Perhaps the most unforgettable of all the memories inspired by this fabled folk hero is the prose of Victor Appleton, Tom's inimitable creator; a melange of wildly improbable plots larded with impossibly stilted dialog beside which the pomposities of _Bullwinkle_'s incorruptible Dudley Doright fairly crackle with wit and verisimilitude.  "If you don't unhand that lady," Tom used to say, "I will be forced to resort to fisticuffs."  Or, "Scoff if you wish, but my Electric Aeroplane shall fly."  A!
nd as if this weren't enough, he
 would always say it "steadfastly," "cheerfully," "jauntily," or even "gaily."
   As we slogged "resolutely" through the syntactical swamp of a typically Tom Swiftian tale the other day, we found ourself thrashing about in search of fresh and more fitting dialog for the unlikely adverbs attached like barnacles to nearly every deathless utterance.  "'How about a roll in the hay?' said Tom loftily," we heard ourself muttering.  "'I'm afraid you've got the mumps,' said Tom infectiously," we offered then, to no one in particular.  "'Isn't anyone going to bid?' asked Tom passively" was our next gem.  Clearly, things were getting out of hand.  The dialog began to pour out unbidden:  "'I'll have a martini (Col. 2--ed.),' said Tom dryly", "'The results of my electrocardiogram were reassuring,' said Tom wholeheartedly."  "'I'm sure I can dig up a date for you,' said Tom gravely."  "'Jayne Mansfield is a remarkable actress,' said Tom figuratively."  "'I'm afraid prunes don't agree with me,' said Tom losely."  "What our ball club needs is a man who can hit 60 homer!
s a season,' said Tom ruthlessly
"  "I detest fairy tales,' said Tom grimmly, 'but I'm quite fond of charades,' he added skittishly."
   And yet more: "'I've bought a negligee for you, my dear,' said Tom transparently."  "'Hemingway is perhaps the finest writer of this half-century,' said Tom ernestly."  "A justice of the peace performed the service,' said Tom unceremoniously."  "'How about a ride in my new ambulance?' asked Tom hospitably."  "'Here's some salt for your wound,' said Tom smartly."  "Did you actually brew six cups of tea with one bag?' asked Tom weakly."  "I'd better quit before I'm fired,' said Tom resignedly, 'or I may have to be carried out on a stretcher,' he added litterally."  "It's time we canned this corn," we told ourself huskily at last.  Withal, we found it a toothsome form in which to savor these juvenile classics once again, and we reommend it to unreconstructed _aficionados_.  To thos game for the experience, we offer our hero's classic benison:  "Good luck and Godspeed," said Tom Swiftly.

   Letters, June 1963, pg. 8, added some more.  One writer (Col. 3) said that he was "old enough to remember Little Audrey, Handies, and Knock! Knock!--all of which are better forgotten.  So you're not showing much sense in stirring up another _meshugaas_ of the same order with those cornball Tom Swifties in the February issue."

   From the NEW YORK HERALD TRIBUNE, 26 June 1963, pg. 34, col. 1:

_"Such Fads Will Expire Swiftly," the Ad Man Said Hopefully_
   It was only a matter of time before the Swiftly craze hit Madison Avenue.  At the risk of insulting the high I.Q. clientele of this tower, we'll explain what a Swiftly is.  It is a sentence that winds up with a referential and, hopefully funny adverb.

   From the NEW YORK HERALD TRIBUNE, 19 July 1963, pg. 13, col. 3:

_Heavy-Handed, So to Speak_
_From Swifites to Pachyderms_
By Tom Wolfe
(...)
   For, indeed, the elephant jokes had arrived.
(...)
   Why do ducks have flat feet?  For stamping out forest fires.  Why do elephants have flat feet?  For stamping out ducks.
(...)
   No, that's not why elephants have flat feet.  Why do they, then?  It's from jumping out of palm trees.
   O.K., baby, and how can you tell there's been an elephant in the refrigerator?  By the footprints in the tomato aspic.
   And why do elephants wear green sneakers?  So they can hide in the tall grass.
(...)