Computer proverbs

[James A. Landau]

The following proverb-like mottos were popular at a computer center in the
Pentagon where I worked at in the 1970's:

1)  No job is finished until the paperwork is done

2)  I must be a mushroom.  They keep me in the dark and feed me nothing but
bullshit.

3)  You want it by when?

4)  When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is hard to remember that
your original mission was to drain the swamp.

5) (A long text in mock-German, instructing the reader to keep his mitts off
the equipment.  It ended with the request "und watchen der blinkenlights.")

Also, a motto I only saw once:

6) Floggings WILL continue until morale improves

I will be the first to admit that none of the above are specific to
computers.

1) was available as a commercial poster, illustrated with a photo (from the
side) of a nude man sitting on a toilet.  I also saw it illustrated with a
drawing of a nude baby sitting on a potty.

2) I am less sure about this one but I think it was available as a commercial
poster.  I have seen hand-written versions of it.  I don't recall any
workers, male or female, objecting to the language, perhaps because the
saying loses its force if bowderlzed

3) This was available as a commercial graphic, illustrated by line drawings
of a bunch of people laughing maniacally.  This motto is meaningless without
the graphic.

4)  Although I have seen this saying as quoted here, it more often appeared
as the finale of a longer motto beginning something like "Our objective is to
provide excellent service..."

5) Although I have seen hand-written copies, this was also available as a
commercial sign, and due to its length the hand-written versions were almost
certainly copied from the commercial version.


      ********ETHNIC JOKE WARNING********
In addition, I found an ethnic joke about a piece of hardware.  It requires
some background:

     At Michigan State University, where I was a student in the late 60's,
the computer center had mainframes built by Control Data Corporation of
Minneapolis.  The word "Minneapolis", as in "the customer engineers had to
get a part from Minneapolis", was used as a synonom for "Control Data
Corporation".
     In the computer center a vending machine broke down and a few days later
a sign appeared that was written in the jargon that would be used to describe
a computer that was "down".  In the sign was text reading something like "the
customer engineers are waiting for a part from Hamtramck".  (Hamtramck is a
famous Polish section of Detroit.)

              - James A. Landau