"George Carlin Strikes Again"

[James A. Landau]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.



Mr.  Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.  97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.  20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr.  DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified as
the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to
the start of this type of activity.  A review of the Department's
files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations.  We find that dams of this
nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.  The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities
at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the
stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later
than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further
unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.


Sincerely, David L.  Price

District Representative Land and Water Management Division


*******************

This is the actual response sent back........



Dear Mr.  Price,

Re: DEQ File No.  97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.  20;
Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to
respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.  I am the legal
owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.  I believe
I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type
of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require
all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies
of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been
issued.  Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns.  My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam
lawyer.  The Department's dam concern that either one or both of
the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is
proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you
want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam
rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department
of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why
wait until 1/31/2002?  The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area.  It is the
bears!  Bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the beaver
dam, watch your step!  (The bears are not careful where they
dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L.Tvedten

******************************************************************************

**
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little  bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:  NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing  section in a swimming pool?

OK...  so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the  Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
make the  Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys  it?

There are three religious truths:
1.  Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of  the
Christian  faith.
3.  Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters

1.  If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does  he become disoriented?

2.  If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland  called Holes?

3.  Why do we say something is out of whack?  What's a whack?

4.  Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5.  If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6.  If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7.  When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your  two cents in .  .  .  what happens to the other penny?

8.  Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9.  Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale  bread to begin with?

10.  When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11.  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who  drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13.  Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14.  Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15.  "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language.  Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16.  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow  that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?

17.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18.  Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19.  What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?

20.  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot  more as they get older; then it dawned on me .  .
they're cramming for  their final exam.

21.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons  and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
use? Toothpicks?

22.  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are  we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just
put their pictures  on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver  the mail?

23.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are  the others here for?

24.  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25.  No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning.

26.  Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

27.  Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door  went nuts.

28.  If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*********************************************************************

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy
night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people
waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming
about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first; or you could
take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect
dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman
of my dreams."

*****************************************************************************
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.

The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to
receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
 "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming
of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered,
handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m.
prepared for an evening of polite  southern conversation and
dance with lovely young ladies. One last point:
No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
   Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the
door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the
floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be
some mistake!"
   "On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make
mistakes."