"George Carlin Strikes Again"

[Dave Wilton]

Ah, the famous "dam letter." It's a bit of an internet urban legend--albeit
in this case it's a true one. Letters very similar to these were actually
sent. The legendary element is the propagation. The actual letters are from
1997. Note here that the dates have been changed to 2001-02 (although the
file numbers are still "97"). It's interesting that someone went to the
trouble to change the dates to make the incident seem current.

The original versions, which at first glance appear identical except for the
dates, can be found at http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.htm


> -----Original Message-----
> From: American Dialect Society
> [mailto:ADS-L at LISTSERV.UGA.EDU]On Behalf
> Of James A. Landau
> Sent: Thursday, January 02, 2003 9:53 AM
> To: ADS-L at LISTSERV.UGA.EDU
> Subject: "George Carlin Strikes Again"
>
>
> This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by
> the Michigan
> Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
>
>
>
> Mr.  Ryan DeVries
> 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339
>
> SUBJECT: DEQ File No.  97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.  20;
> Montcalm County
>
> Dear Mr.  DeVries:
>
> It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
> Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
> above referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified as
> the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
> unauthorized activity:
>
> Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
> outlet stream of Spring Pond.  A permit must be issued prior to
> the start of this type of activity.  A review of the Department's
> files shows that no permits have been issued.  Therefore, the
> Department has determined that this activity is in violation of
> Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
> Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
> being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
> Laws, annotated.
>
> The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
> partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
> flooding at downstream locations.  We find that dams of this
> nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.  The
> Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities
> at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
> condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the
> stream channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later
> than January 31, 2002.
>
> Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
> so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
> staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further
> unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being
> referred for elevated enforcement action.
>
> We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
> matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
> any questions.
>
>
> Sincerely, David L.  Price
>
> District Representative Land and Water Management Division
>
>
> *******************
>
> This is the actual response sent back........
>
>
>
> Dear Mr.  Price,
>
> Re: DEQ File No.  97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.  20;
> Montcalm County.
>
> Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to
> respond to.
>
> First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or
> Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.  I am the legal
> owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
> process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
> across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
>
> While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
> project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
> skillful use of natures building materials "debris."
>
> I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
> their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.  I believe
> I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam
> skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
> persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
>
> As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
> must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type
> of dam activity.
>
> My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
> discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require
> all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
>
> If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
> through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies
> of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been
> issued.  Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of
> Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
> Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
> being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
> Laws, annotated.
>
> I have several concerns.  My first concern is - aren't the beavers
> entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are
> financially destitute and are unable to pay for said
> representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam
> lawyer.  The Department's dam concern that either one or both of
> the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is
> proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
> required to protect.
>
> In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
> rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you
> want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
> contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they
> obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
> unable to read English.
>
> In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
> build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the
> grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more dam
> rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department
> of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its
> name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
> environment (Beavers' Dams.).
>
> So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can
> be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why
> wait until 1/31/2002?  The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
> dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
> contact/harass them then.
>
> In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
> environmental quality (health) problem in the area.  It is the
> bears!  Bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely
> believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
> the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the beaver
> dam, watch your step!  (The bears are not careful where they
> dump!)
>
> Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
> contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
> response to your dam office.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Stephen L.Tvedten