church key 'beer-can opener' is obsolete

[RonButters at AOL.COM]

In a message dated 2/25/05 12:04:32 PM, sagehen at WESTELCOM.COM writes:


> If I must drink from a can I'd much rather it be opened by the old-style
> triangular punch, which produces a reasonable facsimile of a lipped rim,
> than by the self-opener that produces a round hole leaving a flange that
> delivers dribbles.
> A. Murie
>

Flange? What flange? The modern pop-top is scientifically engineered NOT to
dribble!!!

But be that as it may, surely the number of people who feel this way about
the relative dribbileational merit of old-fashioned punched holes is too small
to keep alive a slang term such as CHRUCH KEY. Surely most people who are this
particular about their holes simply pour the beer into a glass rather thaqn go
to the trouble of finding a puch-style opener. Moreover, though I failed to
note this, the anecdote actually spoke of a beer bottle rather than a can.
Whether one twists the top off or opens the bottle with a tool, the hole stays the
same.

In my memory, the few times that I have tried to open a modern aluminum can
using the old-fashioned punch-type opener (i.e., when the pull-off tab was
defective), it did not work very well. The aluminum can was not designed to be
opened that way, and the lip tended to squash and bend before the hole got made
properly. The result was a hole that was much worse, dribblewise, than any
pre-conditioned pop-top hole could ever be.

At any rate, in my experience the term CHURCH KEY was used ironically among
youths from the sort of protestant backgrounds that looked askance at the use
of alcoholic beverages. It was most commonly used when consuming beer illegally
and furtively. The idea was to get the beer into your stomach as quickly and
bountifully as possible. It really didn't matter at all what the hole was
like. It seems unlikely that folks who worry about a little dribble would be
particularly drawn to what is essentially purile humor in labelling the implement
by means of which they open their beers.