y'all-omigod-bonics

[Arnold M. Zwicky]

the following bit of dialect mockery was posted by mike mckinley on
soc.motss, 11/.23/05.  it can be found several places on the web, but
so far no attribution has been found.  for for those of you who are
entertained by this sort of thing:

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The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington
designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a
language to be taught in all Southern schools.

The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage
"Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow. "Usage
"My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is
Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left
$20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from
Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in
munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a
bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and
yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage
"Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I
thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope
my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh
don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna
catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother
of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the
creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in
Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at
age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) -- a battle or combat; to engage in battle
or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup
y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We
Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat
cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a
wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He
cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away
from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that
my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence
cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze
ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

SEED - (verb) -- past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed
New York City ... view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them
gubmint boys shore is ignert."