English Only

[Andre Cramblit]

   You Think English is Easy???

Can you read these right the first time?



1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to  
present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass      drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in  
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in  
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,  
are the thymus glands of veal . We take English for granted. But if  
we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,  
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor  
is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers  
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,  
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one  
moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you  
can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and  
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?   If  
you are not unkempt, are you kempt?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian  
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all  
the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the  
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play  
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that  
run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man  
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy  
of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in  
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm  
goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the  
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all  
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the  
lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of  
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a  
meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP and why are  
the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to  
write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish  
UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We  
lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times  
the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,  
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be  
dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special .

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is  
stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at  
night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the  
proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk- 
sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP  
to about ! thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try  
building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot  
of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a  
hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing; UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP,  
so........... Time to shut UP.....! 
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