[Lexicog] FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)]

[Melissa Axelrod]

> Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
>
> 1.        A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
> stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
> allowed per passenger."
>
> 2.      Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
> and says, "Dam!"
>
> 3.      Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
> the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
> your kayak and heat it too.
>
> 4.      Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The
> other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
>
> 5.      Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
> root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.
>
> 6.      A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
> standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
> After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
> to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
> said,
> "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
> 7.      A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
> goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
> family
> in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
> himself
> to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
> that
> she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds "They're
> twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>
> 8.      These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
> up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
> flowers
> from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
> was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
> He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
> rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
> in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
> their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified,
> they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
>
> 9.      Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
> which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
> very
> little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
> from
> bad breath. This made him . . . . . a super calloused fragile mystic
> hexed
> by halitosis.
>
> 10.   And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
> his
> friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
> laugh.
> No pun in ten did.



Fritz Goerling wrote:

>For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of words)
>
>1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
>
>2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
>
>3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>
>4. A backward poet writes inverse.
>
>5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism,
>     it's your count that votes.
>
>7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
>
>8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
>
>9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
>
>10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll
>      show you A-flat minor.
>
>11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
>
>12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
>       recovered.
>
>13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
>      result in Linoleum Blownapart.
>
>14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>
>15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
>
>16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
>
>17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
>
>18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
>
>19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
>
>20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
>
>21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>
>22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a
>       small medium at large.
>
>23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
>        in the end.
>
>24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
>
>25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
>
>26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she
>       thought she'd dye.
>
>27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
>
>28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
>
>29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
>
>30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony
>       of defeat.
>
>
>OK, t'is kinda pun-ny! ;-)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://listserv.linguistlist.org/pipermail/lexicography/attachments/20050330/75e12e6e/attachment.htm>