Just for fun: Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs

[Harold Schiffman]

Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs
November 30, 2007 | Issue 43•48


 WASHINGTON—Faced with ongoing budget crises, underfunded schools
nationwide are increasingly left with no option but to cut the past
tense—a grammatical construction traditionally used to relate all
actions, and states that have transpired at an earlier point in
time—from their standard English and language arts programs. A part of
American school curricula for more than 200 years, the past tense was
deemed by school administrators to be too expensive to keep in primary
and secondary education. "This was by no means an easy decision, but
teaching our students how to conjugate verbs in a way that would allow
them to describe events that have already occurred is a luxury that we
can no longer afford," Phoenix-area high-school principal Sam Pennock
said. "With our current budget, the past tense must unfortunately
become a thing of the past."

In the most dramatic display of the new trend yet, the Tennessee
Department of Education decided Monday to remove "-ed" endings from
all of the state's English classrooms, saving struggling schools an
estimated $3 million each year. Officials say they plan to slowly
phase out the tense by first eliminating the past perfect; once
students have adjusted to the change, the past progressive, the past
continuous, the past perfect progressive, and the simple past will be
cut. Hundreds of school districts across the country are expected to
follow suit. "This is the end of an era," said Alicia Reynolds, a
school district director in Tuscaloosa, AL. "For some, reading and
writing about things not immediately taking place was almost as much a
part of school as history class and social studies."

"That is, until we were forced to drop history class and social
studies a couple of months ago," Reynolds added. Nevertheless, a
number of educators are coming out against the cuts, claiming that the
embattled verb tense, while outmoded, still plays an important role in
the development of today's youth. "Much like art and music, the past
tense provides students with a unique and consistent outlet for
self-expression," South Boston English teacher David Floen said.
"Without it I fear many of our students will lack a number of
important creative skills. Like being able to describe anything that
happened earlier in the day." Despite concerns that cutting the
past-tense will prevent graduates from communicating effectively in
the workplace, the home, the grocery store, church, and various other
public spaces, a number of lawmakers, such as Utah's Sen. Orrin Hatch,
have welcomed the cuts as proof that the American school system is
taking a more forward-thinking approach to education and the dimension
of time.

"Our tax dollars should be spent preparing our children for the
future, not for what has already happened," Hatch said at a recent
press conference. "It's about time we stopped wasting everyone's time
with who 'did' what or 'went' where. The past tense is, by definition,
outdated." Said Hatch, "I can't even remember the last time I had to
use it."

Past-tense instruction is only the latest school program to face the
chopping block. School districts in California have been forced to cut
addition and subtraction from their math departments, while nearly all
high schools have reduced foreign language courses to only the most
basic phrases, including "May I please use the bathroom?" and "No, I
do not want to go to the beach with Maria and Juan." Some legislators
are even calling for an end to teaching grammar itself, saying that in
many inner-city school districts, where funding is most lacking,
students rarely use grammar at all. Regardless of the recent upheaval,
students throughout the country are learning to accept, and even
embrace, the change to their curriculum. "At first I think the
decision to drop the past tense from class is ridiculous, and I feel
very upset by it," said David Keller, a seventh-grade student at
Hampstead School in Fort Meyers, FL. "But now, it's almost like it
never happens."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/70499

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