Democrats' Immigration Policy: No Juan Left Behind

Robert Lawless robert.lawless at
Wed Mar 11 17:13:06 UTC 2009

I assumed that this was published in The Onion until I reached the end.

Harold Schiffman wrote:
> Democrats' Immigration Policy: No Juan Left Behind
> 2009-03-10 15:14:00
> So weakened by his lack of popularity and public protest when he did
> attempt some reform, Bush did not adequately deal with illegal
> immigration. As a result, he punted to the Obama leftists the power to
> shape immigration policy. Democrats came to power by dividing their
> supporters into classes based on perceived slights and victimization,
> placing immigrants in a special, fledgling growth area - a loyal
> voting bloc. Republicans, who view them as a cheap way to finish that
> rock wall in their back yard, never had the courage to address the
> issue. Democrats do not want self-reliant immigrants like Louisiana
> Gov. Bobby Jindal for fear they might undermine their “All Minorities
> are Victims and Must be Subsidized to Succeed” platform. “Racist”
> Republicans do not want any Puerto Ricans for fear they might marry
> their daughters.
> Even when we try to make English our official language, we meet with
> protest from Democrats and one Republican governor of California.
> Americans are tired of pressing 1 for English.  As poll after poll
> proves, we want English to be our way of communicating, followed
> closely by that pig Latin-derived language Snoop Dog uses in which
> every word ends with “snizzel.” If you do not think unfettered
> immigration can pose a problem for the existing inhabitants, just ask
> Native Americans (you may know them as Indians).
> I have no problem with immigration; it is the illegal part that’s
> troubling. Hard-working immigrants here legally in active pursuit of
> the American dream delight me. But we should decide whom we let in; we
> should not just allow in the freeloaders (the future Democratic base)
> who think they are entitled to come here and lay claim to our largesse
> with an anchor baby. Should immigration even be a Federal issue, since
> illegals mostly use local services such as schools, hospitals, police,
> etc.? It is estimated that an illegal family with kids in school costs
> a city $23,000 per year in services. With special English classes,
> some estimates are higher. Without a consumption based “fair tax,”
> illegals pay nothing toward their own keep. We pay their costs in
> property and sales taxes.
> Gang activity is now mostly driven by illegal Hispanic immigrants.
> Thankfully, there are signs that Attorney General Eric Holder will be
> tough on at least some illegals. Last week he ceremoniously arrested
> 700 Mexican drug and gun dealers out West. He might have arrested them
> and charged them with capitalism, the worst crime anyone can commit in
> the eyes of the Obama administration. Politicians find themselves in
> tall weeds here, wallowing in a problem of their own making. They look
> only to polls, not their consciences, for guidance on votes. My
> suggestion is simple: if someone wants to come to America, he or she
> must add value rather than be a drain.
> I was reminded recently how our policies have changed when German
> scientist Konrad Dannenberg died in Alabama at age 96. He invented the
> V-2 rocket for Nazi Germany.  We brought him to the USA, where he
> spearheaded our missile program that kept us safe. As his obituary
> should have said, he was survived by the human race. I feel strongly
> that persons like Dannenberg (and any Eastern European supermodel)
> should quickly be granted citizenship. We must replenish our reservoir
> of future Donald Trump wives. We should decide who comes here.
> Taxpaying American citizens should not be put upon by those looking to
> take advantage of the government cheese plate the Democrats will
> offer.  If an illegal wants to stay, he should have to serve in our
> military for his green card. Illegals have a long history of fighting
> in America.  10,000 Mexicans fought at the Alamo; there would have
> been more but they only had three cars.
> Given the rising unemployment in the U.S., many of the illegals who
> came here for work are heading home. This leaves us with the ones who
> are here to mooch off of us or who are willing to live a life of
> crime; neither is positive for America. Unless a Dominican has a
> 97-mile-per-hour fast ball and pitches for the Braves, I feel he
> should not be here illegally. Those immigrants who want to come here
> and who are willing to do something of value for that privilege should
> be welcomed. Since they have long been willing to come here to do the
> work Americans are unwilling to do, I suggest their first job should
> be to write and enforce a coherent immigration policy for us.
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