WITH ALL CONFIDENTIALITY WHATSOEVER

[Celso Alvarez Cáccamo]

Dear Sir/Lady,

With All Confidentiality.  Please exculp my interference
whatsoever.  Please allow me to intersticelly request a slight help from
your Personhood.  I am Barcanitagu Aynson Elleiteirides, deceased son of
Princess Valavertu of the extinct Neutral Kingdom of Rendom.  My deceased
mother, Rumfulineita Rapossideishon Ru, was seriously killed by a
poisonously animalistic spider reintegrated upon her garments by General
Nectari Irrigation, half-cousin of the Ambassador to the Lands of Parabit,
King of Monetti and ex-Deputy-in-Chief to the Central Traditionalist
Deposit of Lubland, territory occupied by Aru Rak, son and nephew of Yumina
Let, deceased daughter of the Maximum Representative of the Diamond Ring in
Ruhad's Colonies of the West, as you well shall know.

I am writing to You on behalf of the Cohort of the So Many Lost Souls,
myself included, who have felt enormously Treasoned by ex-General
Ratattouille Mehini's glorious misdeed when inanously assaulting the Palace
of Billaki on August 23, 1916-1999. In that infamous, semi-ignoredly
worrisome, war-like, terrible, bloodisome, preoccupating incident, as you
well shall know, my handsomest half-son-in-law Reput, my dearest
ex-daughter Fassa, my beloved cousins John and Mary, and myself, were
ludicrously assassinated while attempting to extremishly hide from enemies'
raptation my People's enigmatic Treasure of The Paramount Stone,
estimatively undervalued at 360,000 billion US Dollars
(--Three-Hundred-Sixty-Thousand-Billion U.S. American Dollars--) under a
pheromonous bonsai oak tree preciously inherited from my father Pepito's
incursions into the mountainous Jurisdiction of Alosk, which was and indeed
truely was and has indeed been truely indeed ruthlessly commanded by
Reinator Lepidopter Dollophoid, ex-bastard son of Maximum Interpellator
Sena Johnson, under whom gargantuan Tragedies have truely indeed assolated
my Country on behalf of the Legion of former Deputy-in-Defense Gara Bet,
late daughter-in-son of ex-criminalist Dictator Megalithium Bornat,
half-parent-in-law of delerrict under-exiled Prime Minister Uvw Xyz, on
behalf of whom I hereby depose this humble Inquisition.

Please excuse me to urgently nuance that, upon to-day itself, a relentless
half-army of seventeen million (17,000,000) semi-Personnel has been
treachorously reducing our Country and its surrounding persemon grove to
manifest Ruins.  That is why I hereby humbly convoke you to initiating
Enterprise on my Behalf for a lucrative Recuperating Operation of Assets,
R.O.A., on which you yourself on your behalf are at no risk whatsoever on
my behalf of demolishing your financial interestization while engaging in
magnificently aiding philantropical restoration from impending inanition
into my own Bank Account, 2070-3112-69-4500011273, swift code AK23YIK,
intercommission at no risk whatsoever 23 US dollar cents (Twenty-Three
Cents of One U.S. Dollar Whatsoever) to your risk whatsoever.

Should you fertilly accompany myself in repatriating my sufferous country's
expurgated assets from Bandits, Traitors and Maimers, would you please give
me a ring at 72 609 3112 (no collect whatosever) so that I mercifully
Inquiry over literally all of your Financial Data and thorougly reimmerse
myself into your bank accounts, real estate Possessions, Titles, Bonds,
Yatchs and other minuscule material redundancies that you yourself so
Generously shall indeed voluntarily donate per se to Myself?  Thank you,
please be so kindly disposed, for which I commend you and praise on Behalf
of my ex-deceased ex-half-daughter-in-semi-law Leila Morson,
ex-Tertiary-Minister of Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, ex-ex-Imperatrix of Pf.

Undersigned with All Certainty and Thankfullnesstionhood, hereafter I Remain,

Merlot PineNoir, Reprimanded Ex-Former-Son-In-Chief-In-Law of
Formerly-Deposed Quarterly Trinity of Supreme Convenors of the Veritable
Kingdomlike Republic of Tartamlandburgh.