LL-L "Anecdotes" 2007.03.03 (02) [E/S/Sh]

[Lowlands-L List]

L O W L A N D S - L - 03 March 2007 - Volume 02

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From: Sandy Fleming <sandy at fleimin.demon.co.uk>
Subject: LL-L 'Anecdotes' 2007.02.12 (08) [E/S/Sh]

Still more from Sandy Hislop's 1888 Book of Scottish Anecdote.

A LACONIC EPITAPH

The following epitaph was copied from a stone in the church wall of
Dowallie, Perthshire. It is without date, but evidently of great age:

   Here lys
   James Stewart
   He sall rys.

lys: lies
rys: rise
sall: shall

A PATRIARCH

On a gravestone in the churchyard of Fyvie, Aberdeenshire, is the
following inscription:
"Erected to the memory of Alexander Gray, some time farmer in Mill of
Burns, who died in the 96th year of his age, having had thirty-two
legitimate children by two wives."

JOHNNIE CARNEGIE'S EPITAPH

Johnnie Carnegie lais heer,
Descendit of Adam and Eve.
Gif ony can gang hieher,
Ise willing gie him leve.

lais: lies
heer: here
gif: if
ony: any
gang: go
hieher: higher
Ise: I shall
willing: willingly
gie: give
leve: leave

HEALTHS IN SHETLAND

It was usual about ninety years ago, when a party was assembled at
Johnsmass, a festival held at the time of the ling fishery, for the
principal person of the feast to address his comrades after the
following manner: "Men and brethren, lat wis raise a helt. Here's first
ta da Glory o God
an da guid o wir ain puir sauls, wir wordy landmaister, an wir lovin
meatmither, helt ta man, death ta fish, and guid growth i' da grund."

About Lammas, when from the length of the nights, and the rapidity of
the tides, lives were often lost, the convivial sentiment was, "Helt ta
man, death ta fish, and detriment ta no man."

But when the natives were about to quit the ling-fishery, and to return
home to the harvest, the toast remembered in the cottagers' cups was,
"God open the mouth of the gray-fish, and haud His hand about da corn."

lat: let
wis: us
helt: health
ta: to
da: the
guid: good
ain: own
puir: poor
sauls: souls
wordy: worthy
grund: ground
haud: hold

CULTOQUEY'S LITANY

There was an ancient gentleman, Maxton of Cultoquey, in Perthshire, who
lived in the midst of Campbells, and whose family, as might be expected,
had experienced some difficulty in preserving its possessions entire. He
had some other neighbours of the names Drummond, Graham, and Murray,
whose qualities, if less dangerous, were not more agreeable. The whole
he anathematised in an addition to the Litany, which he used to repeat
every morning, on performIng his toilette at a well near his house:

   From the greed of the Campbells,
   From the ire of the Drummonds,
   From the pride of the Grahams,
   From the wind of the Murrays,
       Good Lord, deliver us!

None of the individuals concerned took the satire in ill part except the
Murrays, whose characteristic is the most opprobrious wind, in Scottish
phraseology, signifying a propensity to vain and foolish bravado. It is
said that the Duke of Atholl, hearing of Cultoquey's Litany, invited the
old humourist to dinner, and desired to hear from his own mouth the
lines which had made so much noise over the country. Cultoquey repeated
them, without the least hesitation or bungling; when his grace said,
half in good, half in bad humour, "Take care, Cultie, for the future to
omit my name in your morning devotions, else I shall certainly crop your
ears for your boldness."

"That's wind, my lord duke!" quoth Cultoquey, with the greatest
coolness, at the same time taking off his glass.

On another occasion, a gentleman of his grace's name having called upon
Mr Maxton, and used some angry expostulations on the manner in which his
clan was characterised, Cultoquey made no answer, other than bidding his
servant open the door, and let out the wind of the Murrays.


A MISUNDERSTANDING MISUNDERSTOOD.

A countryman, going into the Court of Session, took notice of two
advocates at the bar, who, being engaged on opposite sides of the case
in hand, wrangled with and contradicted each other severely, each
frequently, however, styling his opponent "brother". The countryman
observed to a bystander that there did not seem to be much brotherly
love between them.

"Oh," said he, "they're only brothers-in-law."

"I suppose they'll be married on twa sisters then," replied he; "and I
think it's just the auld story ower again - freens gree best separate."

freens gree best separate: relatives apart agree best.

THE INCHCAPE BELL

By east the Isle of May, twelve miles from all land, in the Germayne
Seas, lyes a great hidden rocke, called inchcape, very dangerous for
navigators, because it is overflowed everie tide. It is reported in old
times, upon the said rocke there was a bell fixed upon a tree or timber,
which rang continually, being moved by the sea, giving notice to the
saylors of the danger. This bell or clock was put there, and maintained
by the Abbot of Aberbrothok, and being taken down by a sea pirate, a
yeare thereafter he perished upon the same rocke with ship and goods, in
the righteous judgment of God.

clock: cf French "cloche"?

A BRIDE'S "PROVIDING"

We have the authority of an experienced matron for the following as a
complete inventory of a bride's plenishing, according to old Scottish
notions, and which, especially in the country, is often still regarded
as indispensable:

I.      A chest of drawers, "split new," and ordered for the occasion.
II.     Bed and table linen, or _naiprie_ as it is styled, with a supply
of blankets.
III.    A "set" of silver tea spoons;
       and, in some districts:
IV.     An eight-day clock;
       but the _sine qua non_ of all was:
V.      A LADLE!

THEATRICAL CRITICISM

When Edmund Kean paid his last visit to Ayr, his performance of Othello
happened to be the subject of conversation in a shop. A butcher who was
present asked very gravely whether Mr Kean spoke all he said out of his
own head, or if he learned it from a book?

Being told how the thing was, he objected against paying to hear a man
repeat what every person who could read might do as well for himself.
This notion was met by someone observing that the actor "did not only
recite the play, but he delineated the various passions which belonged
to the character."

"Passions!" exclaimed the butcher with a sneer of contempt, "gang to the
fish market if ye want to see folk in a passion! That's the place for
passions!"

A CAUTIOUS COMPLIMENT

In ancient times the tenants of Lord Breadalbane, having applied to him
for a reduction of rent, had occasion to dine together, before their
landlord and chief had sent his reply. When they proposed his health,
therefore, they gave it in these cautious words: "Breadalbane--till we
see."

ERRING ON THE RIGHT SIDE

A certain minister was frequently accused of preaching the same sermon
twice over, though at a considerable interval of time between them. One
day, however, he had the misfortune, from a slip of memory, to deliver
one which he had preached only a week or two previously. After the
dismissal of the congregation, the minister's man remarked to him, "I
hae often heard ye blamed sir, for giein us auld sermons; but they'll
surely no say that o the ane ye gied them the day, for it's just a
fortnicht sin they heard it afore in the same place."

giein: giving
auld: old
no: not
sin: since
afore: before

CONSOLATION

"Eh, sir," said a minister's man, one Sabbath morning to the clergyman,
while assisting him on with his gown, "do ye see what a lot o folk are
leaving the kirk the day, and gaun ower the hill to the meeting house?"

"Very true, John," replied the minister, jocosely; "but, John, ye didna
see ony o the stipend gaun ower after them!"

what a lot: how great a number
the day: today
gaun: going
ower: over
jocosely: merrily, jokingly

A GRAVE COURTSHIP

A certain Scotch beadle fell in love with the manse housemaid, but was
at a loss for an opportunity to declare himself. One Sunday, however,
when his duties were ended, he mustered courage to say, "Wad ye tak a
turn, Mary?"

He led her to the churchyard, and, pointing with his finger, got out,
"My folk lie there, Mary; wad ye like to lie there?" The grave hint was
taken, and she afterwards became his wife.

tak a turn: go for a short walk

A POET CRITICISED.

Thomson the poet had an uncle, a clever, active mechanic, who could do
many things with his hands, and contemplated James's indolent, dreamy,
'feckless" character with impatient displeasure.

When the first of The Seasoms--"Winter"--had been completed at press,
Jamie thought, by a presentation copy, to triumph over his uncle's
scepticism; and to propitiate his good opinion he had the book
handsomely bound. The old man never looked inside, or asked what the
book was about, but, turning it round and round with his fingers in
gratified admiration, exclaimed, "Come, is that really oor Jamie's doin'
now?--well, I never thought the cratur wad hae haed the handicraft to
dae the like!"

cratur: creature, "person"
wad hae haed: would have had
dae the like: do such a thing

SAVING TIME

An aged Forfarshire lady, knowing the habits of her old and spoilt
servant, when she wished a note to be taken without loss of time, held
it open and read it over to him, saying, 'There noo, Andrew, ye ken a'
that's in't; noo dinna stop to open it, but just send it on."

MODERN-ANCIENTS

The absurdity of detracting from the merits of moderns because their
genius approximates to that of the ancients, has perhaps never been
better ridiculed than in the following repartee of Burns.

He was quoting a brilliant sentiment in an old Scottish song, with his
accustomed warmth, to a pedantic schoolmaster, who coolly observed "That
it was very good--but the idea was in Horace."

"That may be," replied Burns, "but Horace stole it from the Scotchman."

A GALLOWAY POUND OF BUTTER

A person came to an honest gude wife, and wanted a pun o butter, but, as
bad luck would have it, the punstane was lost, so she did not know how
in all the world she should serve her customer: the ounce-weiçhts were
rummaged over and over, and none less than the meal-stane quarter could
be found, and with this she saw it was impossible to weigh a pound.
While pondering the matter, as a gude wife ponders, the tangs struck her
fancy. "Oh!" quoth she, "I ken hou we'll manage nou; the gudeman brocht
hame a pair o new tangs the other nicht, which weighed in the smiddy
just twa pun; sae stand by and I'll soon weigh ye wi them your butter."
She then opened the legs of the tongs, put one leg in the scale against
the butter, and let the other hang out. The beam got its fair swing, and
so weighed a douce Galloway pound of butter.

gudewife/gudeman: housewife, husband, here referring to the fact that
they practice husbandry of (probably) a farm
pun: pound weight
punstane: counterweight weighing one pound
tangs: tongs
smiddy: blacksmith's
twa pun: two pounds
douce: soft, gentle, nice

THE WRONG SIDE FOR TRACTS

Robert Kettle, a temperance missionary in Glasgow, left a few tracts
with a young lady one morning. Calling at the same house a few days
afterwards, he was rather disconcerted at observing the tracts doing
duty as curl-papers on the head of the damsel to whom he had given them.
"Weel, my lassie," he remarked," I see you have used the tracts I left
wi ye; but," he added, in time to turn confusion into merriment, "ye
have putten them on the wrang side o your heid, my woman!"

Sandy Fleming
http://scotstext.org/
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