LL-L "Levity" 2008.04.15 (05) [E]
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L O W L A N D S - L - 15 April 2008 - Volume 05
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From: Tom Carty <cartyweb at hotmail.com>
Subject: FW: [MyChickenSoup] Southern Women
There may be somethings to suit Beyond the Pale or other aspects of the site
in this email I got in a Yahoo group "My Chicken Soup". Edit as you see fit.
Tom
Thank you Horace!
----- Original Message ----- *From:* Horace Hooper <hshoop111 at sbcglobal.net>
*To:* **Horace S Hooper <HSHoop111 at sbcglobal.net>
*Sent:* Monday, April 14, 2008 10:03 PM
*Subject:* [MyChickenSoup] Southern Women
**
*SOUTHERN WOMEN* *
*
*Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
*Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
*Southern women know their manners:
*"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"
*Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
**"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"*
*Southern women know their summer weather report:
*Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
*Southern women know their vacation spots:
*The beach
The rivuh
The crick
*Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
*Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint
Straw hats and big sunglasses
*Southern women know everybody's first name:
*Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
*Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
*Fried Green Tomatoes
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
*Southern women know their religions:*
Baptist
Methodist
Football
*Southern women know their country breakfasts:
*Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
*Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
*Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
*Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
*Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
*Southern girls know their prime real estate:
*The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
*Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
*Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
*More Suthen-ism's:
*Only a Southerner knows the difference between a* **hissie fit* and
a* **conniption
fit* , and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up *"a mess."
*_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of* **
"yonder."*
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long *"directly"* is, . as in: "Going to
town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that* **"Gimme some sugar"* is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when* **"by and by"* is. They might not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of
cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also
know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between* **"right near"* and
* **"a right far piece."* They also know that* **"just down the road"* can
be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that* **"fixin"* can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're
"in line," . we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South,* **y'all* is singular, *all y'all* is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say* **"sweet tea",* "sweet milk", and "light bread".
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not
like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. And "Light
bread" is white bread.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say*,"Bless her heart"* ...
and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take
two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this
Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have
classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I
ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
*Southern girls know men may come and go,** **but friends are fahevah* *!
*
*Now..... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish
they had been!
*
*If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it. We know
you got here as fast as you could.*
----------
From: R. F. Hahn <sassisch at yahoo.com>
Subject: Levity
Thanks, Tom.
I know you enjoy it, and you are obviously not alone in this. However, I
don't think it is suitable for our purposes, on two counts:
1. We don't go for lists of jokes of uncertain authorship and
uncertain reception that have been passed on and on.
2. While this is likely to be intended as well-meaning, it is not
within the spirit of Lowlands-L in that it in effect seeks to reinforce
stereotyping that is unwelcome by many. I know that many people in and from
the southern parts of the United States resent such cartoonish
characterizations or are at least tired of them, and many non-Southerners do
relate to this. "North versus South" is still a touchy topic in several
quarters, and it is time for healing rather than for pouring oil onto the
flame, even if in jest. Southerners have been discriminated against and
ridiculed for too long, and their "accents" have been badly imitated to mock
them, and they have been unjustifiably seen as signs of all manner of
negative things. We, at the very least, ought not go down that track, if for
no other reason than the fact that we as a group respect all linguistic and
cultural varieties as worthy of respect.
Regards,
Reinhard/Ron
•
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