LL-L "Humor" 2011.06.04 (03) [EN]

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L O W L A N D S - L - 04 June 2011 - Volume 03
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From: Hellinckx Luc luc.hellinckx at gmail.com
 Subject: LL-L "Humor"

Beste Leeglanders,

This one made me crack up. It's a revision by John Cleese of an older text,
originally written by John Humberstone. The article has been published
before, but got popular again:

*“Alerts to Terror Threats in 2011 Europe,” by John Cleese*

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

The Italians have increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have
increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform
and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be Alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The
barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.


Kind greetings,

Luc Hellinckx, Halle, Belgium

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