LL-L "Levity" 2008.04.09 (01) [E]

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L O W L A N D S - L  - 09 April 2008 - Volume 01
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From: Tom Carty <cartyweb at hotmail.com>
Subject: Heres a good slant on the English language!!!

*Stacy <heart4jesus at gmail.com>* wrote:  MYSTERIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Let's face it English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
Eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
Sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
That quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea
Pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that
Writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and
Hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
Plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
Eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
That smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
And a wise guy are opposites?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling
It out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
Out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start
It, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault -- the silly
Language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

•

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